Officially Replaces "The Wash" As Worst "Movie" In History...

I don't even know where to start. "N-Secure" is so awful that you find yourself getting angry with everybody and everything that had anything to do with this "hot, period-panty mess" (c. nOvaslim). Have you ever felt yourself getting pissed off that the film you're watching was ever made in the first place? I know I haven't before this; the closest I've gotten was all of those Roc/Damon Dash movies starring Beanie Sigel and Memphis Bleek that I can't even remember the names of now. N-Secure makes those films look like Steven Soderbergh flicks, straight up.

I can't even give this "movie" a review, cause there is no real plot or point. I implore you never to come near this one...kinda look upon it like venturing near Dracula's coffin at sunset. But if you don't heed my very sage advice, know that I am about to give away some "spoilers" (though I really don't think it will make a bit of difference in your experience watching it). Here is my impression of the "movie" in bullet-points, cause this sh*t left me too spent to write full-on thoughtful paragraphs:

* First of all, how do you cast someone in the lead that looks exactly like Professor Oglevee from "The Parkers"? He even had his same...ummm...."zest" ifyaknowwhatimean. That distracted me for most of the "movie". Why not get the real thing? I'm sure he would have worked for the same salary as dude whose name I do not know and have no desire to look up.

* This "movie" is about a man who is so obsessed in his love relationships that he will practically beat down a woman if she is 4 minutes late (yes, literally), uses a CSI type blacklight to check for any stains on the sheets, put a GPS tracking system on his girl's car, goes ballistic over a curling iron burn cause he thinks it's a hickey, and makes his woman sign a contract that she will not have any girlfriends and return his calls within 1 minute. Yet no woman wants to leave him because of his high life in material things. WTF is this "movie" trying to say?

* I don't really know anything about "Nephew Tommy", but I do know he's in the running to be this century's Mantan Moreland. Can we have one more cue for bugged-out eye reaction, pretty please?

* Can somebody please explain to me why Thelma from "Good Times" has a three minute throwaway cameo in this "movie"? Is she related to one of the volunteer P.A.'s or something?

* Imma need Essence Atkins to show us that she has more range beyond what she has shown us on "Half And Half". I love her, but dang!

* I believe that this is the first time since "The Cosby Show" that I've seen Tempestt Bledsoe's hair looking decent, though 90% isn't really hers ifyaknaowwhatimean. Sadly, her acting hasn't improved even a microdot.

* Ditto for Elise Neal.

* Where the heck did they get the music from in this "movie"? It makes a Lifetime movie soundtrack sound like high-concept art. I mean strictly "As The World Turns" circa 1968.

* Why is Lamann Rucker (the only male eye-candy) given top billing, only to be bumped off in the first 15 minutes?

To sum up everything, this "movie" is about an unreasonable man who goes through extraordinary and quite unrealistic lengths to keep a leash on his woman. That's it. No reason is ever given for this, except that he had a controlling father...I would like to think it takes a little more than that to turn someone into a psychopath, but who am I to know? Obviously the writers of this "movie" know more than we do. A lot more, apparently, as nothing in this script or anything else makes any sense...including why this "movie" was made in the first place and why anybody even bothered to show the f*ck up.

Invisible Cinema rating: Z-

Movie Milk Carton Alerts....

Last week I was wondering what happened to a certain film I'd written about a couple years ago. It was called "Frankie And Alice" (horrible title) and was to star Halle Berry as a woman with dual personalities, one of which was a white racist. Interesting concept, but when I saw the stills from the film, it looked like typical Halle fare; perfectly awful.

Right after I wondered what happened, I see an update from Tambay on Shadow And Act. Yes, old girl pulled the movie out of the drawer, and did it to be considered for an Oscar.

Alrighty then.


I don't want to talk about that movie really, but about other films that I wrote about and wondered what happened to....a couple I was actually looking forward to, like:

The "Martin" reunion on the big screen. Everyone would probably ask Martin why he now looks like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon. (wasn't looking forward to that one by the way)


The multiple Sammy Davis Jr. biopics, one starring Don Cheadle, one starring Andre 3000, and one starring Elijah Kelley. And where is Elijah Kelley? He was the "it" Black dude for exactly one minute.


Beyonce aka Beyaki playing Eartha Kitt. To which I say: bwahhahahahaha!!


The very unasked for sequel to "Four Brothers".


Jaime Foxx playing Mike Tyson in a biopic.


Beyaki playing Angela Davis in a biopic. To which I say: bwahhahahahaha!!


Wesley Snipes playing James Brown in a biopic (I'm seeing a pattern here).


Will Smith and Denzel Washington in a remake of "Uptown Saturday Night" (which I pray never sees the light of day).


Mos Def and Erykah Badu in a film that was described thustly:

Mos Def and Erykah Badu have signed on to star in the indie drama 'Bobby Zero'; a film focused upon the life of fictional struggling artist Bobby Zero as he hits rock bottom before going corporate with a job in advertising. Badu will play his girlfriend who is afflicted with agoraphobia.

Lots of questions. No answers.

And THIS Is Why I've Barely Been Blogging...

Okay, I'm coming back, but starting off with a quick one. I tweeted about this one this morning, but still can't wrap my mind around the direction in which Hollywood is heading....it just seems to get worse and worse by the millisecond.

Rihanna and that kinda hot dude Eric from "True Blood" (I can't remember his real name) are the leads in the film "Battleship", based on the freaking kids game! I wrote about this travesty of a possibility a couple years back, but figured someone must have come down from their crack high since I didn't hear about it again. Until now. Crack pipes for everyone!



(be back later with an ode to vonetta mcgee)


pic via dlisted


UPDATE: Hilarious reader comments:


TechKappen said...

Psssh. I'm still waiting on my Monopoly movie. But this sounds pretty riveting. Is he going to pick F5 or B7???

I wonder if they'll play on Rihanna's forehead...


Tafari said...

Never under estimate the value of a good crack high. Never!


Ehav Ever said...

I wonder if there will be a critical point in the movie, where all looks dark and at its worst. Then someone will yell out......You sank my battleship!

When It All Falls Down....

I think I ruffled a few feathers not too long ago when I stated that "age was the enemy" on the post I did on Jimmy "J.J" Walker and Boy George, alluding to their rapid deterioration and alarming visages. Some said "It's not age, it's lifestyle!" True, that is a factor, but you can be the exercisinest veganist vegan, and it all hits the end of the road somewhere. I started thinking of this subject for several reasons...the first one being this:


That these two that practically anyone, at any time, at any place, would have smashed in the 90's end up looking like Michael Jackson's unholy apprentices. I just don't get it. NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: Make a beeline to whomever works on Halle Barry and Jennifer Lopez and call it a day! Those two should be the only working plastic surgeons in the world. Period.



Yes, age is devastating, as was witnessed on the "American Idol" disco medley the other day. Much has been made of how "ancient" the guests were, but if any of the readers of this blog look like Freda Payne (67 in Sept), or Thelma Houston (63 in a yellow dress showing a massive amount of leg) at their ages, please let me know. As for KC of KC and the Sunshine Band....well, let's just say he is dealing with a numerous amount of the white man's burdens.





Another example of the perils of aging is the disappointing film I watched the other day, "Original Gangstas". I was very happy to live with the memory of the fine-ass (and I do mean ass) Fred Williamson, aka 'The Hammer' from the 70's, and this film was an unwelcome jolt of reality. It is a vengeance movie that brings together Williamson, Jim Brown (wearing this life's most unfortunate kufi to cover an even more unfortunate bald spot), Ron O'Neal (Superfly, looking like the cashier/weed dealer at your nearest bodega), Richard Roundtree (Shaft), and Pam Grier (Foxy Brown, with hair looking like it hasn't seen the working end of a flat iron for several decades). You would think bringing together the most iconic icons of 70's Blaxploitation would be the sh*t, but sadly, I was left wishing everyone would have just rested on their laurels, and all I wanted to do was hand out Restalyne and Ab Rollers to everyone involved :-(




But there are other things that can cause it to all fall down, most prolific being stupidity. Rapper/actor Xzibit is about to lose his house to foreclosure, after 100 years of "Pimp My Ride" and it's reruns. Terrence Howard is still whining about losing his part in "Ironman". Ummm....T? Everyone involved with this film has been a professional for years. You mumble, sleepwalk, and use your "quivering voice" at dramatic pauses, then proceed to jack your price up sky high? That is exactly why you are in some fucked up movie called "Fighting" with the other weirdest Black man in Hollywood, Roger Guenveur Smith, who is probably your doppelganger, and playing second fiddle to Channing Tatum, whoever that is. Maybe you can pick up where Wesley Snipes left off.

A loooong way from wearing Ironman's suit of armor, yes?



Stupidity coupled with being low budget is definitely the way to make it fall down. Idris Elba now refuses to do press junkets and attend the premieres of his masterpiece "Obsessed". Negro, you were on "The Wire". Did you even read the script for this POS? I'm assuming not, as it surely would have ended up in "the circular file" as my grandfather used to say--aka the wastebasket. Don't act all brand new now. What did you possibly hope to accomplish starring opposite Beyonce and Ali Larter, in a film that was produced by the dude that did "3 Can Play That Game?" Falling down, dude. Hard.



But nobody has fallen as hard in my recent memory as this next one. I watched a bootleg (yes, I'm going to Heck) of "Single Black Female", which is without exception the very worst film ever made, ever. It looked like it was filmed on a 1999 Nokia phone, yet I was could not stop watching it. I was completely transfixed by it's unbelievable horribleness--I think I was hypnotized. Beyonce can make a thousand "Obsesseds" and it wouldn't even come close to the stench of this flick. It "stars" Farrah Something Or Other, who used to be in Destiny's Child, and obviously that will forever be the zenith in her life till the grave. Yes, age is no joke, but combine being stupid, low budget, AND talentless and there is nowhere to go but down. Behold:




So I stand corrected, age is not the only enemy, but it is still definitely in the top five!

Add Another Bazillion To The Smith Bank Account...

Jaden Smith is the new "Karate Kid". Not huge news, but he will probably have a franchise that will make him a zillionaire before puberty.


It's good that someone is making money, cause "Soul Men" sure didn't. It made a measly 5 million dollars in it's opening weekend. Did any of you guys see it? It looks to me like only the family members of the cast were in seats...

Damn!

You know things are really bad when you diss and disown the very movie you directed. From Yahoo:

'Babylon' Director Badmouths Film

Is there a French translation for the phrase, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you?"

Director Mathieu Kassovitz -- best known in this country for his acting turns in movies like Amelie and Munich -- is an award-winning filmmaker in his native France. He spent the last five years working on his dream project, an adaptation of the French sci-fi novel "Babylon Babies," got a Hollywood studio to co-finance it, and scored a big American movie star to headline it. So now that the movie is coming out, why is he so angry?

In an uncommonly open interview with SciFi Scanner, Kassovitz said, "I'm very unhappy with the film...I never had a chance to do one scene the way it was written or the way I wanted it to be. The script wasn't respected. Bad producers, bad partners, it was a terrible experience."

The movie tells the story of Toorop (Vin Diesel), a mercenary charged with protecting a genetically altered young woman from Eastern Europe to New York. Kassovitz said he was interested in what the original book stated about the changing nature of global politics and redrawing of national borders. But he now feels the movie doesn't communicate any of those themes.

"It's pure violence and stupidity," he admits. "The movie is supposed to teach us that the education of our children will mean the future of our planet. All the action scenes had a goal: They were supposed to be driven by either a metaphysical point of view or experience for the characters... instead parts of the movie are like a bad episode of 24." >> Read the full interview.

From IW: Vin Diesel and a well made message movie go together like sugar and sh*t....thought he knew? You don't buy Rob Schneider and expect Pacino, I'm just sayin'.

Weekend B.O.

I'm going to be posting random thoughts over the course of the day---if you missed me, you won't mind, if you didn't--roll with it anyway!

First up is the weekend box office:

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE (thanks Sergio!)

August 29–31, 2008

Studio Estimates

1) Tropic Thunder P/DW $11,500,000 Total; $83,834,000

2) Babylon A.D. Fox $9,700,000

3) The Dark Knight WB $8,750,000 Total: $502,421,000

4) The House Bunny Sony $8,300,000 Total: $27,851,000

5) Traitor Over. $7,900,000 Total: $9,401,000

6) Death Race Uni. $6,228,000 Total: $23,078,000

7) Disaster Movie LGF $6,170,000

8) Mamma Mia! Uni. $4,418,000 Total; $131,509,000

9) Pineapple Express Sony $3,390,000 Total: $79,773,000

10) Vicky Cristina Barcelona MGM/W $3,003,000 Total: $12,787,000

11) Star Wars: The Clone Wars WB $2,900,000 Total; $29,808,000

12) Mirrors Fox $2,825,000 Total: $24,893,000

First of all, I saw "Tropic Thunder" while on my hiatus. Come on people, has it really come to this? We are definitely in a Code 10 Man Down Situation about losing our humor.....the whole blackface thing was a complete non-issue for me, as well as any other offenses one could have taken viewing this movie. People that are worked up over anything in Tropic Thunder need some real hobbies, or some really good sex, or lots and lots of both--I'm just sayin'.

On another note, maybe Hollywood will get the message about the raw sewage they've been pumping out to the general public. After massive amounts of advertising, Babylon AD and it's monotone "star" Vin Diesel, only made 9 mil. Hopefully the folks that make the hot garbage like "Disaster Movie", "Date Movie", "Epic Movie" et. al. will finally, FINALLY go away. Did anyone really expect "The House Bunny" to make any real money? I mean, we've all seen "Legally Blond" by now, why see it again with a minor twist?

Another stinkbomb was "Deathrace". I saw the original one, "Deathrace 2000", which was a satire on the state of America and it's fan obsession and consumerism. Remakes almost always lose the point, replacing the messages with special effects. All I can say is Hollywood is completely brain dead and run by robots not to know by now that that formula does not work!

"Mirrors" is a certified flop-wasn't Robin Thicke's wife Paula Patton in that? Can we officially lay the Japanese to American horror flicks to rest? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. I watched the opening three minutes; the DVD was popped out, never to see the inside of my player again.

Poor Don Cheadle. I think it was Sergio who said that The Cheadle was in no way a leading man, and would never be able to carry a hit movie. Sadly, based on the returns of "Traitor", he might be right. Oh, and a short sidenote--Dear George Lucas: the well has run dry...move on!

btw, "anonymous" left a comment on my blog saying the cheadle was on the "down low", and can't understand why everyone can't see that. i say: what sucessful black man haven't they said was gay (excluding obvious hoecakes denzel and samuel jackson)?

The Black Cinema World Of BET vs.TV One

Okay, I see that BET is trying to compete a bit with TV One on the Black Movie thing. For the most part, BET isn't really stepping to the plate like they should, mainly showing "Soul Plane" ad nauseum. Take last night, for example: TV One was showing "Shaft", "Shaft's Big Score!", and "Shaft Goes To Africa". BET was showing "New Jack City". While I know that New Jack City is on many a favorite list, in my mind, there is no contest; TV One is bout it, bout it.

Let's briefly summarize what has been shown on BET Movies as of late (bear in mind I don't pay much attention to their line-up):

Gang Of Roses: Lil'Kim. Stacey Dash, Monica Calhoun (ugh) and others I kinda forgot as former prostitutes in the wild, wild West that become outlaws on the lam. Who knew that there were weaves, Baby Phat clothing, and MAC makeup in the Old West? Complete and total ridiculosity in every way from the script to the costuming to the acting.


The Wash: Featuring the super amazing acting skills of Snoop Dogg and Doctor Dre as 2 buddies working at a car wash. I frequently say that this is the worst Black movie I've ever seen, and I doubt that will ever change to my grave.

Leprechaun: Back To Tha Hood: About a leprechaun running around the ghetto trying to get his gold back. Need I say more?


State Property 2: Was there even a need to make State Property One?

Waist Deep: Super, duper low budget, but I'll give them a pass on this one (the only one), because I love looking at Tyrese and Meagan Good.


Three Can Play That Game: Kudos for at least trying to stay semi-current. As for the film itself....*sigh*

Nora's Hair Salon 2: I wrote about the dude who "wrote" and "directed" this movie before, Jean Claude LaMarre, a singular force involved with some of the worst films in Black Cinema history (he was also a part of "Gang Of Roses" and "Don't Touch Me If You Ain't Prayed! Part 2"). LMAO at his introduction in the beginning saying that he feels a responsibility toward our community for telling real stories about "us". Whatev! If you thought the first Nora's Hair Salon was bad, it was "The Dark Knight" compared to part two.


TV One on the other hand...classic and wonderful all day long.

Car Wash: Richard Pryor, Bill Duke, The Pointer Sisters, Ivan Dixon, George Carlin, Antonio Fargas, and the music of Rose Royce all in one film? Yes, the storyline was trite, but it is a true beloved classic., and everything "The Wash" wishes it was.

Dirty Laundry: The one misstep from them, maybe. Tho the core storyline was well intentioned, I place it on that long list of formula films that I am beginning to loathe....family comes together for a gathering, usually at a cookout or big dinner--macaroni and cheese, greens, fried chicken, etc. is served---revelations are made, secrets are revealed, drama ensues, and it is wrapped up with "family is family, no matter what". Can somebody please, please PLEASE give Jenifer Lewis a new M.O.? I can recite her lines as the sassy/mean/nosey/hypocritical neighbor/relative almost before she says them herself.

When We Kings: TV One wins for this one alone, in my eyes. It has been on my top 5 list since the first time I saw it. I am always very interested in how Blacks have lived in other decades; their clothes, their music, their challenges. Though this film is technically about Muhammad Ali and the infamous "Rumble In The Jungle" fight, it is all the things I look for and more.

It is about race relations in the United States, as well as the beginnings of American Blacks being able to start reaching out to our African brothers for really the first time. It had performances by The Spinners, James Brown, Miriam Makeba (all who performed for the related festivities of the fight) and is a perfect snapshot of how very political and influential Ali was at his pinnacle, though that becomes almost secondary in this film.

I will go more in depth about this film at another time-it deserves it's own post; until then, enjoy the Black Cinema TV One is supplying to the masses.

What tha?

These two ummm "films" have me perplexed with my lips extremely pursed. All I can say is: 'Who?' 'What?' and most definitely 'Why?' Also 'Huh?' and "The F**k?"

To wit, first up is Tichina Arnold (Pam in "Martin", aka 'BDB') in a dramatic role that seems to be a race reversal of "Black Snake Moan-The Sketch Drafts". That's the most I can say.




The second one is beyond description. When I saw it on the blog "Long Live The Message" I must have stared at the computer screen for a full minute after it was over.



The "star" of this "movie" is Ryan Leslie, the supposed manager of "singer" Cassie, who is also maybe probably Diddy's fiance. Since Ryan has the head- throbbing vanity to make this butter-fried mess, I am quite sure he is vain enough to Google himself on the daily. So Ryan, listen up-you are made to act like Cassie is meant to sing. Nuff said.

An Open Letter To Eddie Murphy....

Dear Eddie:

I'm not much for writing these, as a matter of fact, I haven't written one in 7 months. But after viewing "Meet Dave" for over an excruciating and mind boggling hour, I felt it was that time again. I haven't really been a fan of your film or personal life for a very, very long time, but watching this movie made even me feel sorry and sad for you.

While relaying my Meet Dave watching experience and the fact that this film did 5 million in it's opening weekend, a friend of mine suggested that maybe director Brian Robbins has pictures of you and Johnny Gill in a very compromising position. This theory does seem to make a lot of sense; first he directs you in your post Oscar embarrassment "Norbit", then this current insane debacle, and next up the sigh inducing "Thousand Words" in which you are only allowed to say 1,000 words before you die. Which also seems to be the definitive death knell in your career as well.

I've been around Brian Robbins while working at the studio That Will Henceforth Remain Unnamed (TWHRU). He is a very charming guy, granted, but certainly not worth losing the respect of the general public. If he has pictures of you and Johnny, come clean--I promise you'll feel so much better once the heat wears off. If not, please consider 2 things:

A) Getting a restraining order against Brian Robbins

B) Putting this acting thing down for good, and producing some films that will make us care about you again.

I say this with love,

Invisible Woman

Weekend B.O.

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE
July 11–13, 2008 Studio Estimates (thanks Sergio!)

1) Hellboy II:The Golden Army Uni. $35,885,000

2) Hancock Sony $33,000,000 Total: $165,034,000

3) Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D NL $20,580,000

4 ) Wall-E BV $18,509,000 Total; $162,772,000

5) Wanted Uni. $11,586,000 Total; $112,045,000

6) Get Smart WB $7,105,000 Total; $111,468,000

7) Meet Dave Fox $5,300,000

8) Kung Fu Panda P/DW $4,300,000 Total: $202,043,000

9) Kit Kittredge: An American Girl PicH $2,357,000 Total; $11,046,000

10) Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Par. 2,250,000 Total 310,477,000


From IW: Okay I'll go through these one by one...

1) Hellboy: Zero interest

2) Hancock: After fiending to see it for months, I finally saw it this weekend. Sorry, I don't care what folkses say, I liked it very much, as I do with all Will Smith movies. When I first saw the director was Peter Berg I thought "this can't be the same dude that was in Corky Romano with Chris Kitean". But lo and behold it was. WTF? A him-bo trusted to direct a blockbuster?

Like I said, I liked it very much, and I think people are way too critical of it--wanting a Will Smith failure badly,, or something like that. It is better than 85% of the films I've seen in the past year....for real. The ending wasn't so hot, and the cinematography was pretty awful (they should have hired the "Spiderman" dude), but I definitely think it's worth checking out and enjoying a matinee.

3) Journey To The Center Of The Earth: Next! At least Brendan Fraser found a decent lacefront wig.

4) Wall-E: Normally I love Pixar movies (the only kids movies I like) but I have absolutely no desire to see this for some reason.

5) Wanted: I wrote about this ish HERE in "WTF-Volume 5". Maybe now that St. Jolie has the twins with the f**ked up names, she will concentrate on other things besides playing characters that are supposed to be Black. From reader Leo Of Borg:

"Having just read WANTED the comic, and NOT having Fox in the movie as a black anti-heroine, this just pissed me off. All this really looks like is yet another chance for Angelina to show off more [permanent?] ink. Feh.

Blogged here with my sentiments and with links to the comic."

6) Get Smart: Don't feel one way or the other. Like Steve Carrell and the original show...will probably see it one day.

7) Meet Dave: Holee shit!! Can somebody say nuclear bomb? I think only "Basic Instinct 2" opened this bad. Note to Eddie: Reality check!

8) Kung Fu Panda: Hmmmm. Don't have much to say about this one either; will probably see it eventually.

9) Kit Kittredge: Ummmm....guess Willow inherited the star power of her mama Jada and not Poppy Smith.

10) Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull: Is this mess still hanging around?

Eff Off Dave....

Got this funny note from Sergio:

"How bad is 'Meet Dave?' I just found that even Eddie Murphy didn't bother to show up at last night's Hollywood premiere of the film. THAT'S how bad".

From IW: Damn! I was gonna go to that premier (last minute invite tho)...if Eddie didn't show up, I'm sure glad I didn't. I wrote about this debacle HERE in "WTF? Volume 2" when I started my blog a year ago (maybe 25 people read it, so you can read it now). I feel exactly the same way about this ish as I did a year ago.....

by the way, can Eddie please be serious about retiring from acting? why the f**k doesn't he use the gobs of money he's drowning in to produce something that matters? SMH

Terrence Watch! Part 17

I'll be back this weekend ya'll to post and answer your comments.....really, I swear!

Until then, here is a little clip of my beloved talking about his new CD--I'm sure it'll be what's hot in the streets!*


Shine Through It Interview from ColRec on Vimeo.



*insert sarcasm here

Top 10 Worst Black Films Of 2007

Alrighty then. Hope you guys had an awesome day yesterday, no matter what you chose to do. I was going to do one of those standard end of the year "Top 10 Best Films of 2007" lists for black film, but guess what? Surprise, surprise, I couldn't think of ten. The really sad part is I couldn't even think of five. Damn.

The big ticket black films of the year, "Why Did I Get Married?" and "American Gangster" were amusing to watch, but nothing more. The fact that they are considering Denzel's performance for a Golden Globe and other such awards just underscores how bare our cupboards are to me.

Here is to hoping 2008 will be a banner year for Black Cinema.....

Anyhoo, I did however have enough fodder for a "Top 10 Worst Black Films of 2007". Surprise, surprise, again (not). These are in no particular order, as I think they were all pretty much equally atrocious. Some of them kinda walk the line for "Black Cinema", but I included them because of their casts, their hype, and high visibility in the Black Blogosphere:

#1

I Think I Love My Wife

When, when, when is Chris Rock finally going to get it that he does not need to ever be in a film of his own making? Just produce (and for heaven's sake no more directing!), or star in a movie that someone, anyone else, wrote. This was a remake of a non-black film that I've seen called "Chloe In The Afternoon", and it was so mangled in it's interpretation that I didn't even know it until I read that fact yesterday.....so he can't even translate someone else's material. Here is a short clip of him talking about how he came to make this film...LMBAO acting like there was some kind of artistic thought/process behind this bulls--t:

#2

Code Name: The Cleaner

The whole time I was watching this (and for the life of me I don't know why I watched it till the end) I kept saying to myself "Why would Cedric make this movie?". It'll be a happy day when Cedric The Entertainer finds a film or a T.V. show that matches his hilarious abilities in his stand-up. As of now--not even close. This is a clip of the one kinda (operative word kinda) funny scene in the movie. If this is the best it had to offer, you can just imagine how dismal the rest was if you haven't seen it:

#3

The Salon

One of the most stock, stereotypical, lazy black films in quite some time, and that's saying a lot. I wrote about it here. They could've had robots make this movie and no one would have noticed the difference. Some foolio named Mike Brooks had a short clip on "youtube" and it looks like he has a very, very small part as "Street Vendor" in the film, and used this scene for his acting reel/resume. It is a perfect snapshot of everything that is wrong in this movie:

#4

Daddy Day Camp

Cuba Gooding. A script even Eddie Murphy wouldn't touch. An already worn to death premise. 'Nuff said. Here is some New York guido with a clip called "What's Going On Cuba?" The ish is low budget and unscripted, but dude is funny as hayell and completely on point:

#5

Confessions Of A Call Girl

Tho this one had an extremely limited release (with good reason) and zero hype, I included it anyway cause Tamala Jones was in it, as was Lynn Whitfield, who must have absolutely nothing else going on whatsoever. This movie was supposed to be a drama, but was so freakin' laughable that I think they need to rethink the genre and make it comedy. I wrote about all the painful details here. I tried to find a clip of this movie, but all that kept coming up was this tired picture, but in a way it's apropos, so here you go....for those of you who don't know, this is Karinne "Superhead" Stefans, infamous groupie, hoe, and bubblehead:

#6

Who's Your Caddy?

What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said? It came from the "Our Stories" production company that is supposed to be our savior, and make "wholesome, family oriented films that are a reflection of us and our community" (their words). If this movie is a reflection of us, we might as well pack it in right now. The fact that this film, after all of it's extensive hype, only made $2.9 million in it's opening weekend spoke volumes. Here is a clip of some of the actors and Tracey Edmonds talking about some of the scenes like this crapfest was "Goodfellas" or something---SMH. At the end, Tracey says "This summer, there is nothing like our film coming out". Truer words were never spoken.

#7

Perfect Stranger

Halle Berry continues to make horrible film after horrible film, but is still considered A-List. In fact, has she ever, ever, starred in a great film? In a good one? Even a decent one? I'm talking a theatrical release, not television. The state of mainstream acting seems to be that your acting abilities equate to how the public views your face. The more beautiful the perception is, the better actress you are. Makes perfect sense to me (insert sarcasm). Nicole Kidman and Keira Knightly, anyone? Here is a clever mash-up of Halle's movie and the sitcom "Perfect Strangers" with Balki:

#9

Are We Done Yet?

Admittedly, I haven't seen this film, but the Good Lord knows I don't have to to include it on this list. Here is a so-called "Blooper Reel", which is ironic, as this is what this whole film seems to be. It also shows off Nia Long's super-amazing acting abilities:

#9

Smokin' Aces

Not technically "Black Cinema", but a large portion of the main cast was. After the huge hype of Alicia Keys, Common, and Taraji P. Henson being in it, it was a HUGE letdown, from the beginning to the closing credits. I kept waiting for it to get better, and it never did. I didn't even feel like looking for something interesting associated with this movie, so here is the trailer:

#10

First Sunday

I know it hasn't come out yet, but let's just get it over with to make more room for next year's list, kay? Since I posted the trailer the other day, here it is with some super dramatic music some funny genius uploaded on youtube. It changes the tone and context entirely....kinda goes back with what I say sometimes about how important a soundtrack can be to a film:

Btw, "Rush Hour 3" might've taken spots 1 through 6 if it was considered Black Cinema and not a mainstream summer blockbuster. Congrats to Ice Cube, who made this list twice.

Omarion (or Omari) And The Blogosphere

I saw this post article on an odd blog James Lamb Jr. via The Assault on Black Folk's Sanity. I can clearly see both sides, tho the first one (from Racialicious) is a lot funnier, I must admit:

james lamb:
After reading a recent post on Racialicious.com by founder Carmen Van Kerckhove on September 21, 2007, I Can't Wait to 'Feel the Noise', I wrote the following response. The comment didn't appear on the Racialicious site (probably a technical error because of its length) so I have reproduced the comment here.

[from racialicious]
Yesssssssssssssss!I can't wait to Netflix this. Long-time Racialicious readers will know how much I love movies with multiple dance-offs. But this movie looks extra-special because it stars that tiny little magical dancing machine, Omarion!

(My dream dance-off would be Omarion vs. Chris Brown. Omarion would crrrrrrush him.)

It must be so effortless to make these movies, since they all follow the exact same script.

A young man gets into trouble at home, so his parents send him away for a change of scenery. He sees a hot girl and is immediately infatuated. But even though she clearly wants him, she doesn't want to leave her evil boyfriend because he's powerful and handsome.

The troubled young man gets involved in the subculture (stepping, marching bands, breaking) of this new environment but fumbles, humiliating himself. He finds out about A Big Event (competition, tournament, talent show) that will allow him to redeem his honor.

After a montage of him training, interspersed with him flirting with the girl, the movie culminates with The Big Event. Just when you think he's about to lose, he delivers a crushing blow to the Evil Handsome Guy, winning his dignity and the girl! Woohoo!!


[comment from James Lamb, Jr.]
Tiny little magical dancing machine? ....

I know what's worse. The undeniable fact that Black male entertainers like Omarion routinely appear in moralistic minstrel shows greenlit by Hollywood to consume African American entertainment dollars by devolving Black masculinity to complicated precision dancing and/or baby-oil drenched Mandingo warrior swagger clearly presents a more disgusting problem than an uncritical throwaway reference that dehumanizes a Black man by calling him a 'tiny little magical dancing machine'.

I can't say that I care very much right now, though. I read Racialicious.com because it focuses on racist symbolism in popular culture, the very phenomenon with which so many supposedly liberal, supposedly anti-oppression people have trouble.

In their defense of the mainstream, these faux liberals offer the point that obvious fiction can't possibly tell us much about ourselves, so if John Q. American sometimes enjoys watching hip hop movies with hypersexualized thugs who sport shiny nickel-plated Glocks and scantily clad women of color bouncing their rounder portions, then maybe market forces dictate the only useful morality.

Racialicious.com opposes such cynical logic, and I've always respected that. So, after reading this post, I felt confused. Carmen, you rightly discuss the obvious formula in these Stomp the Last Dance or Die Tryin' flicks, but your attempt to characterize Omarion as a skilled dancer immediately conjured images of immense physical skill masked in blackface, and cast Omarion as a copasetic Bill 'Bojangles' Robinson, skilled and subservient, whose fantastic entertainment forces forgetfulness of his personal political plight.

Omarion is not a machine. When we see acrobatic dancing from Black men, its all too easy to dissect the skill from the humanity, and focus on the skill alone. I find that dangerous, and believe that it only increases the gulf of racial difference that posits African Americans as the Other.

Maybe the real problem here remains the fact that entertainers like Omarion, Chris Brown, and Usher appear so happy to dance for mainstream audiences that cooning becomes an inevitable result for the American viewer. Every time people catch Chris Brown's genial smile during a performance - no small feat considering the rambunctious bouncing and epileptic jerking - I wonder if they mentally shade burnt cork and firetruck red Max Factor on Brown's broad smile. Perhaps people view Black male physical skill as something otherworldly and superhuman, so that Black male physical skill in general becomes something designed to entertain only, like a plastic toy from Mattel.

I don't think it matters though. It doesn't take much to remember the humanity of the Negro entertainer, and frankly, we have to. To lose that focus devolves athletic Black entertainers from shining examples of human focus and training to mechanical animals bred for mainstream merriment, and that's just a little too Dixie for my tastes.


From IW: Omarion is trying to pull a Larry/Laurence Fishburne on us and is letting us know lately that he might revert back to his gov'ment name, Omari (jeesh, what's the difference?). For those who didn't see my post on this gem of a movie--here is the formulaic trailer....if you've seen the trailer, basically you've seen the movie.

New Flick For Van Peebles...

From AOL:

Mario Van Peebles has had his fair share of ups and downs in this business. While a few of his films like 'New Jack City', 'Panther', and 'Badaass' are considered considered cult classics, he's had some clunkers, like 'Jaws 4', 'Posse', 'Solo' and more than you can name, but you have to give him credit for keep trying.

In his latest venture, Peebles has signed on to direct his sci-fi screenplay 'The Uniter', which Don Kushner and Brad Wyman (Monster) are producing.

According to Variety, 'The Uniter' chronicles the journey of a political fugitive who escapes from the future back to the present to teach a 13-year-old how to use his powers to unite the warring factions of the world before it's too late for planet Earth.

From IW: They were speaking the gospel on ups and downs. Unfortunately, this new one looks like it's going to be solidly placed in the "down" category.