Officially Replaces "The Wash" As Worst "Movie" In History...

I don't even know where to start. "N-Secure" is so awful that you find yourself getting angry with everybody and everything that had anything to do with this "hot, period-panty mess" (c. nOvaslim). Have you ever felt yourself getting pissed off that the film you're watching was ever made in the first place? I know I haven't before this; the closest I've gotten was all of those Roc/Damon Dash movies starring Beanie Sigel and Memphis Bleek that I can't even remember the names of now. N-Secure makes those films look like Steven Soderbergh flicks, straight up.

I can't even give this "movie" a review, cause there is no real plot or point. I implore you never to come near this one...kinda look upon it like venturing near Dracula's coffin at sunset. But if you don't heed my very sage advice, know that I am about to give away some "spoilers" (though I really don't think it will make a bit of difference in your experience watching it). Here is my impression of the "movie" in bullet-points, cause this sh*t left me too spent to write full-on thoughtful paragraphs:

* First of all, how do you cast someone in the lead that looks exactly like Professor Oglevee from "The Parkers"? He even had his same...ummm...."zest" ifyaknowwhatimean. That distracted me for most of the "movie". Why not get the real thing? I'm sure he would have worked for the same salary as dude whose name I do not know and have no desire to look up.

* This "movie" is about a man who is so obsessed in his love relationships that he will practically beat down a woman if she is 4 minutes late (yes, literally), uses a CSI type blacklight to check for any stains on the sheets, put a GPS tracking system on his girl's car, goes ballistic over a curling iron burn cause he thinks it's a hickey, and makes his woman sign a contract that she will not have any girlfriends and return his calls within 1 minute. Yet no woman wants to leave him because of his high life in material things. WTF is this "movie" trying to say?

* I don't really know anything about "Nephew Tommy", but I do know he's in the running to be this century's Mantan Moreland. Can we have one more cue for bugged-out eye reaction, pretty please?

* Can somebody please explain to me why Thelma from "Good Times" has a three minute throwaway cameo in this "movie"? Is she related to one of the volunteer P.A.'s or something?

* Imma need Essence Atkins to show us that she has more range beyond what she has shown us on "Half And Half". I love her, but dang!

* I believe that this is the first time since "The Cosby Show" that I've seen Tempestt Bledsoe's hair looking decent, though 90% isn't really hers ifyaknaowwhatimean. Sadly, her acting hasn't improved even a microdot.

* Ditto for Elise Neal.

* Where the heck did they get the music from in this "movie"? It makes a Lifetime movie soundtrack sound like high-concept art. I mean strictly "As The World Turns" circa 1968.

* Why is Lamann Rucker (the only male eye-candy) given top billing, only to be bumped off in the first 15 minutes?

To sum up everything, this "movie" is about an unreasonable man who goes through extraordinary and quite unrealistic lengths to keep a leash on his woman. That's it. No reason is ever given for this, except that he had a controlling father...I would like to think it takes a little more than that to turn someone into a psychopath, but who am I to know? Obviously the writers of this "movie" know more than we do. A lot more, apparently, as nothing in this script or anything else makes any sense...including why this "movie" was made in the first place and why anybody even bothered to show the f*ck up.

Invisible Cinema rating: Z-

Where Da White Women At?

That really should have been the title of this film. What do you say about a movie that bills itself as the "Black" version of Warren Beatty's "Shampoo", yet has nothing in common with it except that a hairdresser has sex with his clients? A lot of sex.

"Black Shampoo" stars John Daniels (a Black Lou Ferrigno doppelganger), as "Mr. Jonathan", who apparently owns an upscale hair salon by the same name on Sunset Blvd. in Los Angeles, that supposedly caters to the elite. I say apparently and supposedly, because since this film seems to be made on about $26, we only see two rooms of this "upscale" salon that has a few chairs and a few ferns. And a couch in the back that would probably make a CSI black-light explode in disgust.


Mr. Jonathan must have been doing hair for a long time and had his fill, because we never see him actually styling one head. Oh, except in the opening credits, where it seems someone just washing your hair can give you the greatest orgasm you've ever had in your life.

Mr. Jonathan spends his day going from one white woman to the next, juking happily three to four times a day, either in the shop or making house calls. He does this while wearing his white hairstyling uniform, which looks like a gay male nurse's uniform, and never bothering to hit his peen with a lick of water in between trysts, not even with a moist baby wipe.


He hires a Black receptionist, and they go to dinner exactly one time, and decide they are completely and totally in love forever and ever. Well, I guess like they say, for Mr. Jonathan once you go Black, you never go back.

Turns out that said receptionist is Mr. Big's ho, and ran away, and Mr. Big kidnaps her back. It is unclear what exactly Mr. Big does, but he always carries a briefcase, even at the pool, and exclaims once loudly that he has to make "some goddamn speech at some goddamn dinner". To address what, heaven only knows.



The rest of the film shows Mr. Jonathan trying to get his Black Queen back, but that is genuinely just filler for the sex scenes. What this film is really is soft porn, and not very good soft porn at that. It is worth a look just to see how ridiculous some films of the period were, and how producers would put "Black" in front of everything and anything just to draw in an audience. It is also quite a sight to see Mr. Jonathan walk around like a baby gorilla in a two sizes too tight hairdresser uniform, and the awful, stunning, unbelievable 70's stereotypes of the gay male hairdressers he has working for him. Truly riveting....they make "Men On Film" from "In Living Color" look like Terry Crews and Tiny Lister.


Ms. Invisible says check it out.

Unfortunately, the movie trailer seems to have disappeared from the internets, but here is the radio commercial trailer for it...dripping with innuendos:

And THIS Is Why I've Barely Been Blogging...

Okay, I'm coming back, but starting off with a quick one. I tweeted about this one this morning, but still can't wrap my mind around the direction in which Hollywood is heading....it just seems to get worse and worse by the millisecond.

Rihanna and that kinda hot dude Eric from "True Blood" (I can't remember his real name) are the leads in the film "Battleship", based on the freaking kids game! I wrote about this travesty of a possibility a couple years back, but figured someone must have come down from their crack high since I didn't hear about it again. Until now. Crack pipes for everyone!



(be back later with an ode to vonetta mcgee)


pic via dlisted


UPDATE: Hilarious reader comments:


TechKappen said...

Psssh. I'm still waiting on my Monopoly movie. But this sounds pretty riveting. Is he going to pick F5 or B7???

I wonder if they'll play on Rihanna's forehead...


Tafari said...

Never under estimate the value of a good crack high. Never!


Ehav Ever said...

I wonder if there will be a critical point in the movie, where all looks dark and at its worst. Then someone will yell out......You sank my battleship!

Mish/Mash

OK, I know I said I was gonna post once a day about these old school films (which I still am), but I got caught up having to make a two day trip to San Francisco...I'm sorry, but I DO NOT miss living there....my hometown is falling to pieces on a non-tourist level.

Anyhoo, until I can git ta writin', I'll leave you with my beloved Sergio's opinion of "Just Wright", and a preview of a film that fell into my inbox. If you're looking for a film for the weekend, I highly recommend "Shutter Island", which I viewed online on the plane last night...it's the next best thing to Hitchcock. I have been giving Leonardo DiCaprio the side-eye for over a decade, and though I have liked some of the the films he's been in (Gangs Of New York, for example), I never thought he should be Scorcese's DeNiro replacement muse until this film. I actually think my man can act! lol. Well, here is Sergio's opine on "Just Wright" (and "Mandingo"):

I've seen Just Wright and it's a lame, totally predictable, tepid, boring film. And aside from the fact that you've seen it 1000 times before and can predict everything that's going to happen long before it does, it's TOO nice. King (yes I said KING) Latifah and Common play too of the most blandest, nicest, dullest people on the planet in the film. They're not human, but mannequins. I suspect that Latifah's character in the original script was sassier, tougher and rougher around the edges. You know, a REAL person. But I suspect she's had the script rewritten to eliminate any roughness, least people think that she's too...ahem...manly.

Common is the nicest, safest, NBA player in history. I mean c'mon a NICE considerate NBA player?? Here's an idea...what if the film had made him an arrogant, loud mouth, annoying person (with maybe a baby momma somewhere) to hide the fact that he's an insecure. lonely person afraid his glory years as a player has passed him by. You know a REAL person. And of course keep in mind that he eventually dumps Paula Patton over for the King in the film too. Yeah sure, that's real belivable But I understand this is a fantasy not real life. (Then again didn't he date Serena Williams for a while? Maybe's he's got a thing for mannish chicks)

The film is so lame that it resorts to the old worn out trick of a character (the King in this case) driving an old beat up car that NOBODY in real life would drive just to show that she's "quirky". I still think that film should have been the King and Paula Patton are involved in a relationship and Common comes along, they have a "three way express", he "converts" Patton and they leave off happily ever after. Now THAT would have been a movie.

BUT Mandingo. THAT MY MOVIE! Love it, love it, LOOOOVE IT! One of the still fondest movie going experiences was the first time I saw the film when it came out and there was this brother in the seat behind was doing this HYSTERICAL running commentary during the film and when it got tho the big sex scene with Ken Norton and Susan George (which lasted all of 30 seconds) he had me damn near on the floor rolling. The film is available though Legend Film label in restored widescreen and anamorphic too which you can buy on Amazon or other online video stores. Unfortunately there's no commentary or extras, but the film has never looked this good since it was first released. You know I've got a copy.

From IW: Not surprised about "Just Wright", but I will give my opinion on "Mandingo" over the next couple days.

Here is an independent Black film that came into my inbox; no message, no comment, no synopsis, no nothing--just a link--so I really don't know what to say. Anyway, at least you know there are those out there trying outside of the Hollywood System. Also, you can now sleep at night knowing that the milk carton alert for Joseph C. Phillips is official solved:

Urkel, Is That You?

This is a repost of a piece I did 2 years ago on crazy critic Armond White. I reposted it so you can get a bit more of a feel of what I'm talking about on the post above...

I thought that Armond White was a bit rough on "Talk To Me" and Kasi Lemmons....sure, it wasn't the greatest film, but it was no "Soul Plane" either. (I posted his review yesterday).

So I did a bit of snoopin' around on dude, and found some interesting tidbits. Even though they kinda speak for themselves, I will give up a bit of commentary:

-He is known for his support of Steven Spielberg, Brian DePalma, D.W. Griffith (?!!), and Charles Stone III (who directed the classics "Mr. 3000", "Drumline", and "Paid In Full") *1

-He started at the New York Black weekly newspaper "The City Sun" extolling the virtues of Morrisey, The Pet Shop Boys, and Erasure. *2

-Goes on about people like Spike Lee "sullying the Black Experience". *3

-Gave high praises to the films "Torque", "Little Man" (?), "Sahara", and "Against The Ropes" *4

-Had the audacity to write a book about Tupac. *5

*1 He gives big love to the richest man in Hollywood, a misogynist director who has never featured anyone black in his films, the director who made "Birth of a Nation", the most racist film in history, and some bootleg director to show he is "down"? Dude seriously knows what side his bread is buttered on.

*2 That's like your grandmother buying Jet magazine to find out about all the latest going-ons of Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Simpson.

*3 Huh?

*4 No comment necessary

*5 Do we really want someone who was writing reviews before I was born and who emulated Pauline Kael to write a book about the effects of Tupac on the world?

He reminds me of another mainstream "expert" who also had his origins in the non-black world decades ago, whose "expertise" is also questionable, but not his ability to generate controversy. "Stylist" Andre Leon Talley:

Rainy Day MMM (Mini Movie Marathon)

The rain has finally broken here in the Bay, but it is still grey and bleak. I've been holed up like a winter bear in hibernation, as I completely detest rain. Honestly, I would rather be in snow. It was so bad that earlier in the week I had tickets to see Raphael Saadiq at the Fillmore, and didn't even go, and I always see Raphael. Is it possible to look cute in the pouring rain? I think not, unless you have an entourage like Kimora Lee Simmons.


Besides the weather, one thing I miss about LA. is the diversity, and the randomness of the celebrities I would spot. A favorite game I would play while waiting in the horrid Sunset Strip traffic from work was "spot that random celebrity". It would veer off in all different directions; Jessica Biel, Alfonso Robeiro, Ryan Reynolds, Vanessa Bell Calloway, the dude from Korn (don't ask me how I knew that), The Empress Of Lucite (my fellow D-Listed readers know that one). While watching the movie "Cover" over the weekend, it made me almost feel like I was playing that game. More on the later. And yes, I am still a bit grouchy, and the following Black Cinema films did nothing to help.

Starting off my MMM were several just as random YT films--"Final Analysis", a thriller that was made when Richard Gere was still semi-hot*, "The Prime Gig" a sleep inducing movie about a big ticket telemarketing scam starring Vince Vaughn, when he was still semi-hot*, and a film that I highly recommend called "Dogtown and Z-Boys", which is a semi-documentary with great footage about the very beginning of the skateboard movement in Santa Monica, CA. Don't confuse it with the weak, fictionalized, commercial version "The Lords Of Dogtown". "Z-Town" made a very pedestrian subject extremely engrossing, and I wear my Vans a little prouder now (for those who don't know, Vans are a sneaker that first became popular by being favored by the surfer and skateboarding cultures in L.A.).

But I seriously digress...on to Black Cinema, yes?


The first one I saw was a perfectly awful movie called "The Last Stand". You watch the strangest things when you can't get back to sleep...is there anyone more unlikeable than Guy Torry? Oh yes, Kevin Hart, who also happened to be in the film. Just grand.

The "movie" premise was about 4 Black comedians trying to rise to fame, overcoming the various challenges in their personal lives. The challenges are wholly contrived, as if they were ripped from the pages of "How To Write Your First Screenplay 101". The guy just out of jail struggling with credibility in the civilian world, the woman abused by her mom's boyfriend, the dude with the unsupportive wife who tells him he's living a pipe dream...ho-hum. Kevin Hart and a very loud Anthony Anderson are secondary characters. Also involved is the strange calamity that is Red Grant (who I wrote about HERE), always a sure sign that you are involved in a z-grade movie.

Then there is Guy Torry as the unfunny comic (the only part of the film that rang true), who runs away from his family life to prove to Daddy he can make it. Oh, and he has a drinking and drug problem that causes him to self-destruct. Why does Guy Torry get more work than Joe Torry? Guy plays the exact same character, the exact same way, in everything I see him in. Never engaging, never funny, always laughing at his own jokes, and never easy on the eyes. And Russ Parr (who "wrote" and directed)? I think dude might seriously want to stick to radio.

So--Kevin Hart, Guy Torry, generic plot, and some arbitrary secondary story about how one of the comedians jumped to their death. The film begins with that, and the body is covered with a sheet. It keeps flashing back to the crime scene throughout the film, and we are supposed to guess who it is. The only problem? The first story is so weak you don't give a flying fig.

Not even worth buying at the barber shop from Hustle Man. Here is the trailer, which makes it look much better than it actually is, believe it or not:





The next is "Cover". Hmmm. I passed on this film at a Black film festival when I had to choose between it and "Three Could Play That Game". Can you believe I chose the latter? Even more so, can you believe I attended a festival that would show it as a selection?

I really wanted to like this film, as I have always been a big fan of Bill Duke, the director. But he is definitely starting to get the telephoto side-eye from me. Between this and "Not Easily Broken" I think he might be paying for his children's Ivy League education or something. Surely a man of his caliber can create his own projects? Or are these films something he actually wanted to do?

This isn't a spoiler, as all of the film descriptions and publicity tell ahead of time what the film is about. It is about a couple who moves from Atlanta to Philly, the husband being some sort of successful doctor. Many of his long time friends are there, all of them extremely shady and suspicious. The husband is hiding a secret, which we all know 10 miles before the clueless wife--he is on the "down-low". Because there is no mystery, and the "twist" is so obvious, you get fed up with the build-up. "Just get to it already!" you want to yell, waiting for the supposed big reveal.

Instead, I busied myself by looking at the most random cast since....ummm....well, ever. Though you may be mildly surprised at who's in it, you definitely won't be at their performances.


Roger Guenveur Smith: weird, creepy, and wild eyed as usual

Paula Jai Parker: ho'n it up and acting crazy, as usual

Patti LaBelle: sassy and for real gal not takin' any mess, as usual

Clifton Davis Junior: bland and boring, as usual

Leon: preening, arrogant, vain, and self-involved, as usual

Vivica Fox: plays the "mmm-hmmm, girlfriend!" role, lip twisted and with one eyebrow raised, as usual

Louis Gossett, Jr.: serious and no-nonsense, as usual

Mya: contributing as much to this movie as she does to the music industry.

Fun fact: the preacher's wife from the Richard Pryor classic "Which Way Is Up?" is in it, and she is still pretty funny. At least I think it was her.

Besides the tired theme of "forgiveness", the main problem is with one half of the leads. Aunjanue Ellis plays the wife, and she does the best she can with what she has. She is accused of murdering Leon, the husband's HIV positive lover, which is the other mystery in the plot. She is the only reason this film has any credibility at all, and I really wish she would get a lot more work...say substituting her for everything Gabrielle Union is in. She is also from San Francisco, a big plus in my eyes. It is Razaaq Adoti who plays the husband, Dutch Maas, that is the bad apple that spreads to the rest of the film. He is supposed to be the object of affection for at least four people in this film, yet he is not very good-looking, and is completely charm and charisma free. He didn't even seem that bright. I think he won this part on a bet, as even in the most dramatic scenes in the film--crying, fighting, scared, whatever--he is massively and totally unbelievable.


He was in another film that I saw on another mini movie marathon a while back, "Haven", with Anthony Mackie and Zoe Saldana. Even though that film wasn't that great, he did pretty well in that one, so I guess there's hope for him in the future. Ms. Invisible says rent this one when they are out of everything else at the video store. Here is the trailer--it takes a second to start:





And last (and least) is "Madea Goes To Jail". Ummm....yeeaaahhhh.....you're gonna have to read about that elsewhere, as I don't want to dedicate another drop of my precious posting space to that mess of a movie. Guess this picture's from the play:



So there you have it. Basically nothing to see here folks. Except "Dogtown and Z-Boys". I might have some movie news later, as I'm in a writin' mood today.




*i say semi-hot, cause i was never that attracted to these guys in the first place

7 Random Movie Questions.....

1) Finally got on the late train and saw "The Dark Knight". Yes, it was great, but how come amid all this fabulousness I kept focusing on the mynute detail of how very "un-Hollywood" everybody's teeth were? Yes, I have a problem.....

2) I saw a billboard today of some new fall show with cornballio Taye Diggs in it. Who keeps giving this n*gga work?

3) Speaking of mysteriously working n*ggas, after seeing the previews of Vin Diesel in "Babylon AD", is he is picking up the torch from Wesley Snipes for crap-fest-o-rama action movies?

4) Saw "Transformers" on HBO this past weekend, cause I had zero interest in seeing it last year (I vote boo!). Is it me or are the blockbusters this summer so much more amazing this year that any other year in history?

5) Why does anyone (especially Whoopie) deem this necessary?

'Academy Award-winning actress Whoopi Goldberg is set to play the scheming muse Caliope in "Xanadu," the musical spoof of the infamous 1980 roller-disco flop. '

What happened to her bringing "for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf" to Broadway with india.irie? (technically that's two questions)

6) People are furious at "Tropic Thunder" making fun of people with disabilities? Hello? Blackface?*

7) Why am I always disturbed by Raven Symone's wardrobe choices?




*the whole tropic thunder/blackface thing by the way, i really don't care about at all

Random Movie News--Pimp Chronicles Edition

As I've stated before, I love movies about pimps. Yes, I may have a problem. There has been some random pimp related movie news that I've been meaning to post, but have been slacking. You may have read this stuff on other blogs, but that's what I get for procrastinating.

First up--Rihanna pimpin' or getting pimped? Sergio sent this over:

ICEBERG SLIM'S 'BLACK WIDOW' HEADED TO BIG SCREEN: Rihanna to make film debut opposite Mos Def, Macy Gray and Anthony Anderson.

"Mama Black Widow," the 1969 novel from "Iceberg Slim" writer Robert Beck, is being adapted into a movie with rapper Mos Def in the starring role and pop star Rihanna in her feature film debut.

With the backdrop of a black family's migration from Southern Mississippi to Chicago in the 1930s, the story follows Otis Tilson's struggle to keep his family together as they navigate through a world of alcoholism, pimping, homosexuality and racial degradation.

Other members of the cast include Brian J. White and Kerry Washington.

The movie is currently in pre-production under director Darren Grant for a 2009 release.

From IW: Mos Def can sometimes be very interesting as an actor. At the very least, he's watchable. I've enjoyed every Macy Gray in everything I've seen her in. It will be interesting to see Rihanna emote, as she is the only singer I've ever seen that performs with expression in her voice, but absolutely none on her face. Ever.

I just wonder how Kerry Washington fits into all this.

Speaking of Iceberg Slim, Ice-T announced that he is supposed to play the man himself in an upcoming biopic. I have a few problems with this. One, dude at 50 is way too old to be going there. Two, he is way too corny to be going there. And three, tho he has declared himself a pimp loudly to anyone who will listen, have we seen any evidence of said pimping except whatever airhead he is currently in a relationship with (I only know of two, and they were one at a time, including boobage challenged Coco).

Anyway, wasn't Ice Cube supposed to play Iceberg Slim in a film directed by Bill Duke? What happened to that? I guess the same thing that happened with Cube playing Mr. T in the A-Team big screen adaptation...he's going to be played by Tyrese (?!!)



Spotted this on Tambay's blog from the Cracked site; thank goodness this disaster was averted:

If you've seen the original Dolemite, then you know that it's a completely bug-fuck insane mix of classic blaxploitation, bad kung fu, pimping and some kind of bizarre poetry about monkeys, lions and the Titanic.

If you haven't seen the original Dolemite, feel free to go ahead and do that now. We'll wait.

What Went Wrong?

We could go on all day about the immense bitchslap involved in casting particularly-unlikable plank of wood LL Cool J as the Human Fucking Tornado, but that's not the worst that this project had going for it.

No, the worst was that some clever devil at Dimension Films (possibly screenwriter Buddy Johnson of Scary Movie and several episodes of the Wayans Brothers) decided that Dolemite would be a much better character if he wasn't a pimp, and if he was framed for a crime he didn't commit, and if he had three female sidekicks who most definitely were not hookers. Apparently if he really, really sucked.

What Went Right?
Delays. Fallout Entertainment has picked up the rights to Dolemite (though it seems no amount of money would be sufficient to buy them). LL Cool J is no longer attached to the project, and rumors have the infinitely more appropriate Snoop Dogg in the running for the lead.

What You Can Watch Instead:
The Dolemite Explosion.


And finally, for your daily dose of pimp juice, here is a video I found on youtube of a real-life pimp getting pimp-slapped by a civilian...enjoy!

The Good, The Kinda Bad, And The Completely Wack.....

I went on one of my "mmm's" this weekend (mini movie marathons). So here are my mini reviews of what I saw.....


First up, The Good:


City Of God


I have read so very, very many wonderful things about this film. I have avoided it before, as I am ashamed to admit, sometimes I do not feel like reading subtitles. There I said it.

But my laziness has made me late on a completely amazing film on every level. It is a story of young hoodlums trying to rise above their poor and desperate hardscrabble life in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. But it is so much more than that. There were twists and turns and multiple storylines everywhere, and it worked. Beautifully.

It conjures up memories of Scorsese's "Gangs Of New York", and Quentin Tarantino when he is good. It sometimes has the look and feel of a spectacular 70's black exploitation flick, and the high tension "anything could happen at any time" dread of "The Sopranos". Yet though you are reminded of all of these things, this film has a look and voice that is completely unique.

I once took an Italian Neo-Realism film class (not to sound uppity, but it's relevant). These films were well noted worldwide because it was the first time that cinema was shown in a ultra realistic way, and not Hollywood script style, right after WWII. They showed the human condition in a way that was in your face and unflinching, and the actors did not seem like actors at all, but folks really living the experience.

City Of God is like that; it shows Brazil in all it's beauty and it's seedy ugliness of the poor and working poor--the people are amazing to look at in this film (Brazilians are legendary for their diverse beauty, with good reason) from the darkest black to pale ginger red heads. It shows how people are forced to make choices out of desperation, cause they don't want to be left behind in a bleak hopeless world that they had no part in making, and how those choices can be so very f**ked up, to say the least.

To put it simply, this film was the s**t, the kind that you think about for days after you see it.




Also on The Good:


The Great Debaters


Yes, I finally broke down and saw it. In my opinion, though the film had high quality content, I think it would have been an even better film sans the overly sappy soundtrack. I'm just being honest.

I think one of the reasons I am such a fan of independent film is that it's lacking the swelling, manipulative music that is a staple of the Hollywood Machine. You know, the Disney-esque crescendo of the orchestra "happy music-feel happy here!" "serious, slow, tender music-feel sad here!" "uplifting loud music-feel happy again here, especially at the end!"

You know what I'm saying. That type of sound is preachy and tiresome. And I think The Great Debaters would have been a very solid film, taken a bit more seriously, and been a little longer lasting without it.

I felt the same about "Talk To Me". Just my opinion.




Next up, The Kinda Bad:



Meet The Browns


I don't want to straight out call this film bad, cause it wasn't. But it wasn't what you would call good either. Meet The Browns was pretty much everything you expect from a Tyler Perry movie, but this time with a couple of minor attention grabbing aspects.

Angela Bassett gave one of her Angela Bassett performances, and she can't help it---she is soooo serious. Even scenes that call for her to laugh light-heartedly seem very forced and unnatural. But she keeps your attention at all times, something that Tyler Perry's movies haven't really been able to do for me before. Seeing her very well toned body, jaunty, well placed hair scarves, and calm, sensible demeanor really didn't fit in that "Good Times" style project apartment she lived in either. Also lmao off at the babysitter scolding Angela multiple times, talking about "You young mothers these days". Ummmm.....Angela is 50?

Of course there is the "family-and-friends-sitting-around-the-dinner-table-while-major-life- changing-revelations-are-brought-to-life" scene (that honestly I am beginning to loathe). The one in this film is particularly out there and over the top, even for Tyler Perry.

Insert everything else from every other Perry film, and you have this one. It's almost comforting in it's sameness: a good man is a cure for all a woman's ills, the sassy/nosy/blunt neighbor/relative, the moral of "Put your faith in the Lord first", and the ever classic "Family is family, no matter what".

On a side note, even though he really hasn't done anything at all for me in the past, Rick Fox was looking mighty...."magically delicious" in this film. In other words...that negro was fine as hell! haha




*sigh* On to The Completely Wack (and inexplicable)




"Alvin And The Chipmunks"


Don't ask.




Miss B's Hair Salon


Holy sh*t. I don't even know what to say about this one. Let's first start off with the fact that the women on the DVD cover were nowhere to be found in the movie. It seemed like it was one of those films advertised on Craigslist calling for actors and crew with the line "no pay, but food and credit will be given!" They then proceed to film the movie on the cinematic equivalent of a camera phone, have everyone change "costumes" at the Exxon gas station, and have the movie take place in one room, two at the most. The script and dialogue seems like it was self-generated and wrote itself, as no breathing human being could possibly be this talentless. It makes Vivica Fox's "The Salon" look like "There Will Be Blood".

It was about a bunch of very badly done stereotypes and cliches rounded up in some sort of scary beauty shop, with Tiny Lister somehow involved. He is the only person with even a glimmer of recognition in the whole movie. The almost hypnotically insane side story was about some dude whose face they never showed-- only his crusty, blackened, weed smoked lips that he kept licking and crooked teeth, who had a parade of women coming to this house, supposedly lusting after him. He would proceed to have some type of level 3 sex offender type pre-coitus dialogue with them, all the while brushing his nappy chest hair above his open to the navel shirt (?!!) with a wig brush (?!!) as he was talking. WTF?!

This film was "written" and "directed" by some dude named Jean-Claude La Marre , who is a repeat offender on the horrible Black Cinema list. He has brought us such classics as "Don't Touch Me If You Ain't Prayed", "Gang Of Roses", "Voodoo Curse", and "Nora's Hair Salon".

Two abhorrently dismal hair salon movies? Someone arrest this man before he writes/produces/directs again!

Today In B'Days

Ice-T is 50.*
Coco's boobage is 20.

Since I posted "New Jack City" last week for Chris Rock's birthday, here is Ice-T rapping (something that I usually forget he did) from the movie "Colors". Strictly ooollllld school.




*Yeah, bet you didn't know that either, haha.

TERRENCE WATCH!-part diez

At first I was all like "What is Terrence doing with that black chick? With a "black" t-shirt? Is this his new image?"

But then I read the caption with an "oh". I should have known better. Just Terrence carrying on his everyday murse *man-purse* duties. From Dlisted:

How precious is Terrence Howard's little LV pursey? I'm wondering what he carries in there. It seems too small to hold his favorite thing in the world, baby wipes. Oh! He's holding his necessities in there since his Juicy Couture sweats don't have back pockets. It probably says "SEXY" on the ass.

Here's Terrence with Anika Noni Rose and the rest of the Broadway cast of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" at a photocall today in NYC. Terry is playing Brick.

Today In B'Days

January 2nd must be the sacred holy all saints day of cornballs......

Taye Diggs is 37.

Cuba Gooding Jr. is 40. Did you know he turned down "Ray"? If anyone needs a new agent it's him....does he even have one? And if he does, are they breathing?

Here is an excerpt from a Toronto newspaper interview he did:

What would be your dream role? I thought it might be musical, given your background.

CG: I know! But - no. Because if that was the case I would've said yes to all these things. I passed on Ray, I passed on the Louis Armstrong story they wanted to do.

No Louis? That sounds like a good one.

CG: It's gotta be the right script. I read the script and it wasn't really about anything. The other one that I was attached to for ever and I didn't even know I was attached to it was a film about Otis Redding. Oh my goodness. People were like, "Hey, you doing Otis Redding?" I was like no! No! That happened for a few years, but it finally went away. I mean, if I'm gonna do that, I want to do Bob Marley. Or Sly and the Family Stone. I wanna do a way-out character.

From IW: And here I was thinking comedy wasn't his genre....ha! Gotta be the right script? Play Bob Marley or Sly Stone? That is wrong on so many levels it would take me all day to post about it.

And Taye, I say you guys are corny not because your wives are white, but because it's just a well known fact. Get it?

In other Black Hollywood fluffery and puffery. Paula Patton and her husband Robin Thicke are expecting a baby. How could that happen if they were never, ever seen together? I guess they must have slipped that in somewhere. Hopefully she has already shot the film in which she is supposed to be playing a female pimp.