Officially Replaces "The Wash" As Worst "Movie" In History...

I don't even know where to start. "N-Secure" is so awful that you find yourself getting angry with everybody and everything that had anything to do with this "hot, period-panty mess" (c. nOvaslim). Have you ever felt yourself getting pissed off that the film you're watching was ever made in the first place? I know I haven't before this; the closest I've gotten was all of those Roc/Damon Dash movies starring Beanie Sigel and Memphis Bleek that I can't even remember the names of now. N-Secure makes those films look like Steven Soderbergh flicks, straight up.

I can't even give this "movie" a review, cause there is no real plot or point. I implore you never to come near this one...kinda look upon it like venturing near Dracula's coffin at sunset. But if you don't heed my very sage advice, know that I am about to give away some "spoilers" (though I really don't think it will make a bit of difference in your experience watching it). Here is my impression of the "movie" in bullet-points, cause this sh*t left me too spent to write full-on thoughtful paragraphs:

* First of all, how do you cast someone in the lead that looks exactly like Professor Oglevee from "The Parkers"? He even had his same...ummm...."zest" ifyaknowwhatimean. That distracted me for most of the "movie". Why not get the real thing? I'm sure he would have worked for the same salary as dude whose name I do not know and have no desire to look up.

* This "movie" is about a man who is so obsessed in his love relationships that he will practically beat down a woman if she is 4 minutes late (yes, literally), uses a CSI type blacklight to check for any stains on the sheets, put a GPS tracking system on his girl's car, goes ballistic over a curling iron burn cause he thinks it's a hickey, and makes his woman sign a contract that she will not have any girlfriends and return his calls within 1 minute. Yet no woman wants to leave him because of his high life in material things. WTF is this "movie" trying to say?

* I don't really know anything about "Nephew Tommy", but I do know he's in the running to be this century's Mantan Moreland. Can we have one more cue for bugged-out eye reaction, pretty please?

* Can somebody please explain to me why Thelma from "Good Times" has a three minute throwaway cameo in this "movie"? Is she related to one of the volunteer P.A.'s or something?

* Imma need Essence Atkins to show us that she has more range beyond what she has shown us on "Half And Half". I love her, but dang!

* I believe that this is the first time since "The Cosby Show" that I've seen Tempestt Bledsoe's hair looking decent, though 90% isn't really hers ifyaknaowwhatimean. Sadly, her acting hasn't improved even a microdot.

* Ditto for Elise Neal.

* Where the heck did they get the music from in this "movie"? It makes a Lifetime movie soundtrack sound like high-concept art. I mean strictly "As The World Turns" circa 1968.

* Why is Lamann Rucker (the only male eye-candy) given top billing, only to be bumped off in the first 15 minutes?

To sum up everything, this "movie" is about an unreasonable man who goes through extraordinary and quite unrealistic lengths to keep a leash on his woman. That's it. No reason is ever given for this, except that he had a controlling father...I would like to think it takes a little more than that to turn someone into a psychopath, but who am I to know? Obviously the writers of this "movie" know more than we do. A lot more, apparently, as nothing in this script or anything else makes any sense...including why this "movie" was made in the first place and why anybody even bothered to show the f*ck up.

Invisible Cinema rating: Z-

And THIS Is Why I've Barely Been Blogging...

Okay, I'm coming back, but starting off with a quick one. I tweeted about this one this morning, but still can't wrap my mind around the direction in which Hollywood is heading....it just seems to get worse and worse by the millisecond.

Rihanna and that kinda hot dude Eric from "True Blood" (I can't remember his real name) are the leads in the film "Battleship", based on the freaking kids game! I wrote about this travesty of a possibility a couple years back, but figured someone must have come down from their crack high since I didn't hear about it again. Until now. Crack pipes for everyone!



(be back later with an ode to vonetta mcgee)


pic via dlisted


UPDATE: Hilarious reader comments:


TechKappen said...

Psssh. I'm still waiting on my Monopoly movie. But this sounds pretty riveting. Is he going to pick F5 or B7???

I wonder if they'll play on Rihanna's forehead...


Tafari said...

Never under estimate the value of a good crack high. Never!


Ehav Ever said...

I wonder if there will be a critical point in the movie, where all looks dark and at its worst. Then someone will yell out......You sank my battleship!

For Halloween: "The Black Exorcist"....

I've heard of this movie, "Abby", aka "The Black Exorcist" (not to be confused with "The Blaxorcist") for years, but have never been able to find it. I've learned you can watch some very classic and rare Black films online (though I can't say where, I don't want them to be taken down). If you snoop even a bit, I'm sure you can find them.

So I watched "Abby", and it is an absolute miracle that they did not get sued by anyone and everyone associated with "The Exorcist". Made in 1974, it was snapping on the heels of the original. But maybe once they saw the film, and how horribly ridiculous it was, they probably just sucked their teeth and kept on stepping. Carol Speed's laughable demonic "possession" and preschool lip-syncing is source of hilarity, as well as making the viewer indulge in much lip twisting and head shaking at the scenery chewing performances.

William Marshall, better know as "Blacula" (who would have absolutely been my husband had I been of age in the 70's), tries to keep the proceedings above middle school stage play level, but unfortunately, fails miserably. The 4th rate acting, paper thin plot, mangled editing and cinematography, and rip-off storyline are beyond saving. But I say watch it anyway, just to see what Black horror films were about back in the day. This is the synopsis from IMDB:

"A possession film about a marriage counselor who becomes possessed by a Demon of Sexuality, when her father in law, an Exorcist, freed it while in Africa. He returns home, along with his son and a policeman to perform an African Exorcism on her."

Alrighty, then. Here is a sampling:



UPDATE: Just read this from You Tube...

Obscure 1974 blaxploitation "Exorcist" rip-off flick from Kentucky-bred zero budget auteur William Girdler ("Grizzly"). Warner Bros sued over the similarities, and the movie was quickly withdrawn from circulation shortly after its release. Jesus, what a bunch of killjoys! Starring blaxploit regular Carol Speed as Abby, and co-starring William Marshall - esteemed African American stage actor, Mr. "Blacula", and future "Pee Wee's Playhouse" King of Cartoons (one of 'em, anyway). The movie may be no great shakes, but it beats the hell out of 99% of the leaden Italian "Exorcist" rip-offs that followed and where were the damn lawyers then, huh?

An Open Letter From The Invisible One...

Hello my wonderful and very, very appreciated readers:

Maybe it's the fact that I am wearing a dashiki today, or maybe it's the Ciroc cocktail, or maybe it's because I have been listening to The Beastie Boys "Ill Communication" all day that I feel the need to let this out. I tweeted about this the other day, but I don't feel satisfied that it was enough. Lots of folks aren't bothered with the Tweet thing, and I want to make sure my feelings are known. My blog sis said that when you engage in things like this you are seen as petty. Unfortunate, but true. But Madame Invisible has to be petty at some point; everybody's allowed at least one.

When I very first started blogging 2 years ago, I was stunned to find out that people would repost, or take an idea of mine, and write it as their own, with not even a smidgen of acknowledgment to me. And some of the sites were very big and well read. I didn't know whether to be flattered that people were taking notice and imitating, or be pissed off. What can you do anyway, as the internet is not like the bookworld, with copyrights and things?

Well here it is 2 years later, and people are still plagiarizing, and now I am pissed when it happens. It's not as bad as before, cause most people have the good sense to realize that Ms. Invisible has a style all of her own that is very recognizable. Except for one blogger, it seems, that should definitely know better by now.

I put great thought into what I write. Even if it's an idea that I came up with quickly, it came from my brain and my heart, my intellect and experience. I also think about things like is it funny? Is it informative? Will my readers find it interesting?

So much of ME goes into what I write, that it is tired, tacky, lazy, trifling, and honestly downright f*cking disrespectful to take my ideas, not even change the freaking labels of them, and pass them off as your own, as if it was public property and you have the right to do so, with absolutely no thought whatsoever. WTF?


I don't believe in burning bridges, as Black Hollywood, and especially the Black blogging world regarding it, is too small. Plus my mother taught us to be unfailingly polite, which can sometimes be the bane of my existence. I noticed every single time, but grinned and bore it in silence. But there are times in life where folks put the dynamite down, and then light it or push down on the detonator themselves. They leave you no choice. This is a person I bigged up on this blog, even through their envy, and this person was also the target of my one other rant besides this one. I am sick and tired of this person using my ideas and (not so) secretly hating on me. Hey, try this, hater. Come up with some amusing/readable/original stuff of your own! And if you can't? Wait till you f*cking can!

I'm not telling you all to choose one blog or the other, like in a divorce, cause there is room for everybody. But what I am telling you is that any time I see somebody using my sh*t like it's theirs, with no credit and absolutely no respect, I WILL call you out, and I WILL ROAST YOUR ASS! I am a QUEEN, o foolish hateful one, and if you don't have any inkling of that by now, then you have no right to even a smidgen of space in my universe....be gone, parasite!


That is all. Now back to our show, and enjoy the post below from Madame Invisible's original series from Soul Sis-Star Reviews....thanks! Love You! -Ms. Invisible

Superhead = Super Stupid

This is a repost of an article I did over today at Soul Sis-Star Reviews....

[On] my other blog I said I was about to review "Panther", which I still will, but I took a little detour off on the DVD "Kiss And Tail", which starts off being about video girls and groupies for about 15 minutes, then veers off into a bombardment against Superhead, aka Karrine Steffans, author of "Confessions of a Video Vixen" and "The Vixen Diaries".

I want to make it clear that I have ZERO love for Karrine, and it's not because of her sexual exploits. It is because of her as of late consistent 'holier than thou' attitude that I have read about and seen in interviews. I also have no respect for those who want to be famous and known at any cost whatsoever.

You see, I used to be heavily involved in rap on the business side. These dudes would come at you every day, every which way till Sunday. I don't believe they even cared about who you were or what you really looked like, as long as they felt you were even semi-attractive. They just wanted to see if they could get it. For Karrine to act like she cured cancer or something just by getting these guys that practically anyone could get, then blabbing about it to the whole world and acting like she did something special is just so f*cking ridiculous to me. Add that to the fact that she always refers to herself as "a New York Times bestselling author". Oh really, Toni Morrison? Talk to me when you write a book about something besides whose peen you put your mouth on.

Let's just say that it is welcoming to see her get a taste of her own medicine. The folks in this film are for reals, for reals, and they don't hold back, which I absolutely love. It is not speculation, but from the horses' mouth based on actual experiences and interaction with her.


Save the comments about "you have to respect her hustle!". I don't respect anyone that lies about having a baby to get money (see Ma Barker), lies about having been pregnant numerous times (see Darius McCrary aka Eddie Winslow), lies about not having sex with Jay Z (see her own words in her first book) lies about doing porno (see Mr. Marcus and some Samoan porn star dude whose name I forgot) lies about being married, lies about how long she was doing said activities, and lies about almost everything except f*cking, from what I can see.

She has the audacity to say that the things she did like getting paid $200 by Murder, Inc. to give blow jobs to everyone for the day was "Like being in college. I had just got a divorce, so I got a little wild. I deserved that" Ummm....noooo, that is not like college, sorry.

Also this: "I had to do these things. It was L.A., L.A. does this to you. If I didn't do these things I would have died". Whatever, B. I have lived in L.A. off and on for 20 years, and guess what? I never had to s*ck a d*ck to pay the rent, no matter how hard it got. You know why? Cause I didn't want to!

Though the film can get repetitive, and really won't hold a lot of interest unless you know about Karrine Steffans or the folks she juked, it is nice to see a woman that is a complete psycho and has ruined so many people with her ugliness get her comeuppance. You can tell narrator Wendy Williams is loving every minute of telling all of the salacious details as well.

Everyone in this film pretty much agrees that this woman could not have any friends--and I could see all of the anger and hurt of betrayal from those on film that testified. Like Ja Rule said, "Yes, you are famous, but you are not a star. A star is someone you want to emulate, someone that has something you wish you had. I don't think anyone wants to be like Karrine".

Amen.

When It All Falls Down....

I think I ruffled a few feathers not too long ago when I stated that "age was the enemy" on the post I did on Jimmy "J.J" Walker and Boy George, alluding to their rapid deterioration and alarming visages. Some said "It's not age, it's lifestyle!" True, that is a factor, but you can be the exercisinest veganist vegan, and it all hits the end of the road somewhere. I started thinking of this subject for several reasons...the first one being this:


That these two that practically anyone, at any time, at any place, would have smashed in the 90's end up looking like Michael Jackson's unholy apprentices. I just don't get it. NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: Make a beeline to whomever works on Halle Barry and Jennifer Lopez and call it a day! Those two should be the only working plastic surgeons in the world. Period.



Yes, age is devastating, as was witnessed on the "American Idol" disco medley the other day. Much has been made of how "ancient" the guests were, but if any of the readers of this blog look like Freda Payne (67 in Sept), or Thelma Houston (63 in a yellow dress showing a massive amount of leg) at their ages, please let me know. As for KC of KC and the Sunshine Band....well, let's just say he is dealing with a numerous amount of the white man's burdens.





Another example of the perils of aging is the disappointing film I watched the other day, "Original Gangstas". I was very happy to live with the memory of the fine-ass (and I do mean ass) Fred Williamson, aka 'The Hammer' from the 70's, and this film was an unwelcome jolt of reality. It is a vengeance movie that brings together Williamson, Jim Brown (wearing this life's most unfortunate kufi to cover an even more unfortunate bald spot), Ron O'Neal (Superfly, looking like the cashier/weed dealer at your nearest bodega), Richard Roundtree (Shaft), and Pam Grier (Foxy Brown, with hair looking like it hasn't seen the working end of a flat iron for several decades). You would think bringing together the most iconic icons of 70's Blaxploitation would be the sh*t, but sadly, I was left wishing everyone would have just rested on their laurels, and all I wanted to do was hand out Restalyne and Ab Rollers to everyone involved :-(




But there are other things that can cause it to all fall down, most prolific being stupidity. Rapper/actor Xzibit is about to lose his house to foreclosure, after 100 years of "Pimp My Ride" and it's reruns. Terrence Howard is still whining about losing his part in "Ironman". Ummm....T? Everyone involved with this film has been a professional for years. You mumble, sleepwalk, and use your "quivering voice" at dramatic pauses, then proceed to jack your price up sky high? That is exactly why you are in some fucked up movie called "Fighting" with the other weirdest Black man in Hollywood, Roger Guenveur Smith, who is probably your doppelganger, and playing second fiddle to Channing Tatum, whoever that is. Maybe you can pick up where Wesley Snipes left off.

A loooong way from wearing Ironman's suit of armor, yes?



Stupidity coupled with being low budget is definitely the way to make it fall down. Idris Elba now refuses to do press junkets and attend the premieres of his masterpiece "Obsessed". Negro, you were on "The Wire". Did you even read the script for this POS? I'm assuming not, as it surely would have ended up in "the circular file" as my grandfather used to say--aka the wastebasket. Don't act all brand new now. What did you possibly hope to accomplish starring opposite Beyonce and Ali Larter, in a film that was produced by the dude that did "3 Can Play That Game?" Falling down, dude. Hard.



But nobody has fallen as hard in my recent memory as this next one. I watched a bootleg (yes, I'm going to Heck) of "Single Black Female", which is without exception the very worst film ever made, ever. It looked like it was filmed on a 1999 Nokia phone, yet I was could not stop watching it. I was completely transfixed by it's unbelievable horribleness--I think I was hypnotized. Beyonce can make a thousand "Obsesseds" and it wouldn't even come close to the stench of this flick. It "stars" Farrah Something Or Other, who used to be in Destiny's Child, and obviously that will forever be the zenith in her life till the grave. Yes, age is no joke, but combine being stupid, low budget, AND talentless and there is nowhere to go but down. Behold:




So I stand corrected, age is not the only enemy, but it is still definitely in the top five!

Rainy Day MMM (Mini Movie Marathon)

The rain has finally broken here in the Bay, but it is still grey and bleak. I've been holed up like a winter bear in hibernation, as I completely detest rain. Honestly, I would rather be in snow. It was so bad that earlier in the week I had tickets to see Raphael Saadiq at the Fillmore, and didn't even go, and I always see Raphael. Is it possible to look cute in the pouring rain? I think not, unless you have an entourage like Kimora Lee Simmons.


Besides the weather, one thing I miss about LA. is the diversity, and the randomness of the celebrities I would spot. A favorite game I would play while waiting in the horrid Sunset Strip traffic from work was "spot that random celebrity". It would veer off in all different directions; Jessica Biel, Alfonso Robeiro, Ryan Reynolds, Vanessa Bell Calloway, the dude from Korn (don't ask me how I knew that), The Empress Of Lucite (my fellow D-Listed readers know that one). While watching the movie "Cover" over the weekend, it made me almost feel like I was playing that game. More on the later. And yes, I am still a bit grouchy, and the following Black Cinema films did nothing to help.

Starting off my MMM were several just as random YT films--"Final Analysis", a thriller that was made when Richard Gere was still semi-hot*, "The Prime Gig" a sleep inducing movie about a big ticket telemarketing scam starring Vince Vaughn, when he was still semi-hot*, and a film that I highly recommend called "Dogtown and Z-Boys", which is a semi-documentary with great footage about the very beginning of the skateboard movement in Santa Monica, CA. Don't confuse it with the weak, fictionalized, commercial version "The Lords Of Dogtown". "Z-Town" made a very pedestrian subject extremely engrossing, and I wear my Vans a little prouder now (for those who don't know, Vans are a sneaker that first became popular by being favored by the surfer and skateboarding cultures in L.A.).

But I seriously digress...on to Black Cinema, yes?


The first one I saw was a perfectly awful movie called "The Last Stand". You watch the strangest things when you can't get back to sleep...is there anyone more unlikeable than Guy Torry? Oh yes, Kevin Hart, who also happened to be in the film. Just grand.

The "movie" premise was about 4 Black comedians trying to rise to fame, overcoming the various challenges in their personal lives. The challenges are wholly contrived, as if they were ripped from the pages of "How To Write Your First Screenplay 101". The guy just out of jail struggling with credibility in the civilian world, the woman abused by her mom's boyfriend, the dude with the unsupportive wife who tells him he's living a pipe dream...ho-hum. Kevin Hart and a very loud Anthony Anderson are secondary characters. Also involved is the strange calamity that is Red Grant (who I wrote about HERE), always a sure sign that you are involved in a z-grade movie.

Then there is Guy Torry as the unfunny comic (the only part of the film that rang true), who runs away from his family life to prove to Daddy he can make it. Oh, and he has a drinking and drug problem that causes him to self-destruct. Why does Guy Torry get more work than Joe Torry? Guy plays the exact same character, the exact same way, in everything I see him in. Never engaging, never funny, always laughing at his own jokes, and never easy on the eyes. And Russ Parr (who "wrote" and directed)? I think dude might seriously want to stick to radio.

So--Kevin Hart, Guy Torry, generic plot, and some arbitrary secondary story about how one of the comedians jumped to their death. The film begins with that, and the body is covered with a sheet. It keeps flashing back to the crime scene throughout the film, and we are supposed to guess who it is. The only problem? The first story is so weak you don't give a flying fig.

Not even worth buying at the barber shop from Hustle Man. Here is the trailer, which makes it look much better than it actually is, believe it or not:





The next is "Cover". Hmmm. I passed on this film at a Black film festival when I had to choose between it and "Three Could Play That Game". Can you believe I chose the latter? Even more so, can you believe I attended a festival that would show it as a selection?

I really wanted to like this film, as I have always been a big fan of Bill Duke, the director. But he is definitely starting to get the telephoto side-eye from me. Between this and "Not Easily Broken" I think he might be paying for his children's Ivy League education or something. Surely a man of his caliber can create his own projects? Or are these films something he actually wanted to do?

This isn't a spoiler, as all of the film descriptions and publicity tell ahead of time what the film is about. It is about a couple who moves from Atlanta to Philly, the husband being some sort of successful doctor. Many of his long time friends are there, all of them extremely shady and suspicious. The husband is hiding a secret, which we all know 10 miles before the clueless wife--he is on the "down-low". Because there is no mystery, and the "twist" is so obvious, you get fed up with the build-up. "Just get to it already!" you want to yell, waiting for the supposed big reveal.

Instead, I busied myself by looking at the most random cast since....ummm....well, ever. Though you may be mildly surprised at who's in it, you definitely won't be at their performances.


Roger Guenveur Smith: weird, creepy, and wild eyed as usual

Paula Jai Parker: ho'n it up and acting crazy, as usual

Patti LaBelle: sassy and for real gal not takin' any mess, as usual

Clifton Davis Junior: bland and boring, as usual

Leon: preening, arrogant, vain, and self-involved, as usual

Vivica Fox: plays the "mmm-hmmm, girlfriend!" role, lip twisted and with one eyebrow raised, as usual

Louis Gossett, Jr.: serious and no-nonsense, as usual

Mya: contributing as much to this movie as she does to the music industry.

Fun fact: the preacher's wife from the Richard Pryor classic "Which Way Is Up?" is in it, and she is still pretty funny. At least I think it was her.

Besides the tired theme of "forgiveness", the main problem is with one half of the leads. Aunjanue Ellis plays the wife, and she does the best she can with what she has. She is accused of murdering Leon, the husband's HIV positive lover, which is the other mystery in the plot. She is the only reason this film has any credibility at all, and I really wish she would get a lot more work...say substituting her for everything Gabrielle Union is in. She is also from San Francisco, a big plus in my eyes. It is Razaaq Adoti who plays the husband, Dutch Maas, that is the bad apple that spreads to the rest of the film. He is supposed to be the object of affection for at least four people in this film, yet he is not very good-looking, and is completely charm and charisma free. He didn't even seem that bright. I think he won this part on a bet, as even in the most dramatic scenes in the film--crying, fighting, scared, whatever--he is massively and totally unbelievable.


He was in another film that I saw on another mini movie marathon a while back, "Haven", with Anthony Mackie and Zoe Saldana. Even though that film wasn't that great, he did pretty well in that one, so I guess there's hope for him in the future. Ms. Invisible says rent this one when they are out of everything else at the video store. Here is the trailer--it takes a second to start:





And last (and least) is "Madea Goes To Jail". Ummm....yeeaaahhhh.....you're gonna have to read about that elsewhere, as I don't want to dedicate another drop of my precious posting space to that mess of a movie. Guess this picture's from the play:



So there you have it. Basically nothing to see here folks. Except "Dogtown and Z-Boys". I might have some movie news later, as I'm in a writin' mood today.




*i say semi-hot, cause i was never that attracted to these guys in the first place

End Of Year Celebrity Shenanigans.....

Good day to y'all. Ms. Invisible never thought she'd make it this far when she started this blog...I was so afraid no one would read it that I almost didn't start it. Now the traffic I get in these parts in a couple hours equals the traffic I got in my entire first month of June 2007, and I notice that I still have a lot of the same readers, along with a sweet influx of new readers...thank you everyone and welcome, welcome! I will try to step up my game this year...well, at least that is my intention.

Ok, enough with the sentiments. Before going out last night I perused the internets with a choco-tini....holy sh*t folkses were trying to send 2008 out with a bang, for reals. I know that this mess is not really Black Cinema related, but you guys know I get down like that sometimes...I just have to share and hear your thoughts on some of this undiluted f*ckery that I come up on....the best way for you to see what I mean is through a pictorial. Some of them left me with almost a loss for words. Almost.

How bout some questionable fashion choices? First up is Macy Gray, whom I'm becoming extremely concerned about. One blogger says she's been showing up to celebrity events "looking like she'd do some 'ho sh*t for a cheeseburger and a Mountain Dew" I would have to agree...I mean she was never what you'd consider a fashion plate, but what has been going on with her as of late is just plain wrong.

Speaking of completely wrong, can someone tell me why, why, why, Star Jones insists on dressing like a 110 pound 22 year old? Frankly I am sick of it, and don't want any more of it assaulting my eyeballs--it's just plain rude of her. I mean, the slack skin, the scars, WTF?

And in case you didn't get enough, here is the view from the back. Do your thing, girl. I guess.

Note to Star Jones (Reynolds): You are not, and never will be, fab. Just deal with it!


Another questionable fashion choice...I can't even guess what could have been on her mind with this ensemble.

And what is the explanation for this winter wear?

Venturing into Macy Gray territory is former (severe emphasis on former) hottie Joaquin Phoenix. He makes the fact that Diddy is also looking a bit ghoulish in this pic a complete non-factor. Did Joaquin quit show biz to become a mountain man? That's the only plausible explanation for this new and disturbing look.

And speaking of disturbing, ummmm....Charles Barkley? If you are wondering why he looks like Uncle Fester jonsin' for a heroin fix, this is his mugshot from his pre-New Year's shenanigans. I can't understand why he was arrested, cause as he told the police officer, he was speeding because "he was on his was to get a blow job". He had gotten one from this trick the week before and "it was the best one he ever had in his life". Yes, he actually said that. Like the officer was gonna say "oh, why didn't you just say so in the first place?" I hope it was worth it, cause he is just as crazy as he looks in this pic. Or maybe he really is on heroin. Or maybe he thinks he's this guy:



Let's cleanse our palate with my first email from Sergio for 2009, shall we? It is a note from him regarding the trailer of Bey's new "movie":

[IW]

Some obvious things:

1) It's one of those lousy trailers that gives away the ENTIRE film. There's no need to see to see it now

2) Bey obviously didn't use any speech coaches this time and uses her own sharecropper country ass accent (from iw-and she had the audacity to intimate that the jacksons were country and ghetto, and said she was raised "upper class")

3) So I guess Kerry Washington wisely passed on this or do they really think Beyonce is going to bring people to the theater?

4) It looks like a real unintentional laugh riot


From IW: Wow....this movie looks so innovative...I know none of us have never, ever, seen a film like this before!

Update: Oh, I forgot this one....make of it what you will.

Really, Jennifer?

You probably already know this, but Jennifer Hudson got engaged to be married to Punk from "I Love New York 2" over the weekend.


pic from bossip

The Black Cinema World Of BET vs.TV One

Okay, I see that BET is trying to compete a bit with TV One on the Black Movie thing. For the most part, BET isn't really stepping to the plate like they should, mainly showing "Soul Plane" ad nauseum. Take last night, for example: TV One was showing "Shaft", "Shaft's Big Score!", and "Shaft Goes To Africa". BET was showing "New Jack City". While I know that New Jack City is on many a favorite list, in my mind, there is no contest; TV One is bout it, bout it.

Let's briefly summarize what has been shown on BET Movies as of late (bear in mind I don't pay much attention to their line-up):

Gang Of Roses: Lil'Kim. Stacey Dash, Monica Calhoun (ugh) and others I kinda forgot as former prostitutes in the wild, wild West that become outlaws on the lam. Who knew that there were weaves, Baby Phat clothing, and MAC makeup in the Old West? Complete and total ridiculosity in every way from the script to the costuming to the acting.


The Wash: Featuring the super amazing acting skills of Snoop Dogg and Doctor Dre as 2 buddies working at a car wash. I frequently say that this is the worst Black movie I've ever seen, and I doubt that will ever change to my grave.

Leprechaun: Back To Tha Hood: About a leprechaun running around the ghetto trying to get his gold back. Need I say more?


State Property 2: Was there even a need to make State Property One?

Waist Deep: Super, duper low budget, but I'll give them a pass on this one (the only one), because I love looking at Tyrese and Meagan Good.


Three Can Play That Game: Kudos for at least trying to stay semi-current. As for the film itself....*sigh*

Nora's Hair Salon 2: I wrote about the dude who "wrote" and "directed" this movie before, Jean Claude LaMarre, a singular force involved with some of the worst films in Black Cinema history (he was also a part of "Gang Of Roses" and "Don't Touch Me If You Ain't Prayed! Part 2"). LMAO at his introduction in the beginning saying that he feels a responsibility toward our community for telling real stories about "us". Whatev! If you thought the first Nora's Hair Salon was bad, it was "The Dark Knight" compared to part two.


TV One on the other hand...classic and wonderful all day long.

Car Wash: Richard Pryor, Bill Duke, The Pointer Sisters, Ivan Dixon, George Carlin, Antonio Fargas, and the music of Rose Royce all in one film? Yes, the storyline was trite, but it is a true beloved classic., and everything "The Wash" wishes it was.

Dirty Laundry: The one misstep from them, maybe. Tho the core storyline was well intentioned, I place it on that long list of formula films that I am beginning to loathe....family comes together for a gathering, usually at a cookout or big dinner--macaroni and cheese, greens, fried chicken, etc. is served---revelations are made, secrets are revealed, drama ensues, and it is wrapped up with "family is family, no matter what". Can somebody please, please PLEASE give Jenifer Lewis a new M.O.? I can recite her lines as the sassy/mean/nosey/hypocritical neighbor/relative almost before she says them herself.

When We Kings: TV One wins for this one alone, in my eyes. It has been on my top 5 list since the first time I saw it. I am always very interested in how Blacks have lived in other decades; their clothes, their music, their challenges. Though this film is technically about Muhammad Ali and the infamous "Rumble In The Jungle" fight, it is all the things I look for and more.

It is about race relations in the United States, as well as the beginnings of American Blacks being able to start reaching out to our African brothers for really the first time. It had performances by The Spinners, James Brown, Miriam Makeba (all who performed for the related festivities of the fight) and is a perfect snapshot of how very political and influential Ali was at his pinnacle, though that becomes almost secondary in this film.

I will go more in depth about this film at another time-it deserves it's own post; until then, enjoy the Black Cinema TV One is supplying to the masses.

Ummmm......

This is Morgan Freeman's passenger (read sidepiece) that was in the car accident with him.


Update: LMAO at reader LeNoir Tyrannical's comment!:

'He was really diving Miss Daisy afterall...awww the forbidden fruit, even if it is shriveled up! When will "they" ever learn?'

*sigh*

Lord Jesus...."DRAMA!" as my 'zesty' pals usta say.

The wigs alone make me want to lay down and take a long, long, nap.

Interesting...

I've never been much of a Mike Epps fan; something about him just rubs me the wrong way, and this pretty much seals it:

Actor/comedian Mike Epps beat the shit out of a process server who was trying to serve him with paternity court papers. Remember back in March when that chick from Georgia said Mike fathered her baby and she wanted him to take a paternity test but he refused? Well homegirl tried to have Mike served backstage at a Louisville Kentucky comedy club and it did not go well. According to police reports, the server says he tried to hand Mike the papers, but got his ass handed to him instead. Dude says he came out of the skirmish with an abrasion to the right side of his head and his left eye swollen shut.*

From IW: Do we really need Maury Povich or Sherlock Holmes to figure this one out? Hello my brothers--it's called a 3 dollar condom...damn!

*source: rws

Somethin' In The Milk Ain't Clean...

Okay, somebody is gonna look like a complete and total fool any minute now. Spotted on Bossip:

Allegedly, Chris Tucker is on some dead-beat ish:

“Chris Tucker is facing a legal battle with a woman who claims he is the ‘deadbeat father’ of her two-year-old daughter. Gail Webb is demanding child support payments from the 35-year-old comedian, claiming the pair dated for years before he disappeared as soon as they discovered she was pregnant with little Krista Jane.She says, ‘I just want help with Krista and want her to know her father. If Chris Tucker wants to go to court, I welcome the opportunity to show the world what a big liar - and deadbeat father - he really is.’ But the Rush Hour star maintains he has never even met his accuser.”

Say it isn’t so. Especially with all those stacks, we hope he’s not holding out on his responsibilities. On the other hand, it does sound like that chick is looking for a payday. DNA tests never lie, so we’ll have to wait ‘n’ see on this one.

From IW: What kind of mess is this? She says they dated for years, and he says he never even met her. Jesus be a paternity test. Remember the rumor that he and india.arie were dating? What happened to that?

Random Movie News....

And I mean hecka random. Sergio sent me these tidbits last week, but I've been in slack mode. You might have seen these movie announcements somewhere else, but for those who haven't here they are:

First up, from AOL:

Brett Ratner is in negotiations to direct Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment's remake of 'The Incredible Shrinking Man.' Brian Grazer is producing the project, which has Eddie Murphy attached to star.

The Hollywood Reporter states that an updated version of the best-selling novel and 1957 sci-fi classic starring Grant Williams, 'Man' is taking the comedic approach to the fantastical material, telling the story of a famous Las Vegas magician who is put under a spell that causes him to shrink. He must find a way to reverse the spell before he gets so small that he 'disappears.'

Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant penned the most recent draft of the screenplay for the project, which had previously seen Pete Segal and Keenen Ivory Wayans in the director's chair.

From IW: Dang, even Keenan Wayans moved on from this mess? Eddie is solidifying his morph process into Jerry Lewis.

Next is a film that might be awesome if anyone else was attached to star. From Variety:

Halle Berry will star in and produce psychological drama "Frankie and Alice" for indie shingle Access Motion Pictures in association with Reality Pictures in Motion.

Story follows a young woman struggling with multiple personality disorder and torn between who she is and a racist Caucasian alter-personality that preys upon her mind. No production start date has been set.

"Frankie and Alice" is the second independent production for Toronto-based Access Motion Pictures, which recently completed "Phantom Punch," a Sonny Liston biopic starring Ving Rhames and directed by Robert Townsend.

From IW: If only Angela Bassett or....anyone else could do this role. *sigh* Never mind....


You probably heard this one. Keshia Knight Pulliam is gonna play a prostitute in "Madea Goes To Jail". Everyone seems to be up in arms over this, but I'm sure ol' girl has bills to pay, and what else have we seen her in lately? Besides, truth be told, if you read the gossip blogs she is waaay past Rudy on the Cosby show.

And speeding in on the "Just Why?" train and narrowly missing one of my "WTF Volumes" is this...from Yahoo:

A "Soul Train" movie is on track to arrive in movie theaters next year, the creator of the venerable urban dance television show said on Thursday.

Don Cornelius told Reuters that he has teamed up with Warner Bros. Pictures to develop a buddy comedy that he hopes will spawn multiple sequels.

The project, currently called "Soul Train: The Movie," revolves around two male dancers on the show who get into "a lot of good stuff and some bad stuff as well," said Cornelius, who will serve as a producer.

It features "lots of music, lots of comedy," he added, as well as "a little bit of violence." He also promised it would be "more than slightly sensual."

"'Soul Train' has always been about sexuality," Cornelius said. "It's almost never been about guys, and almost always about girls. It's what has kept us afloat for these three decades or so."

From IW: What? I can't even comment on all that's wrong with Don and his "genius". Might be time for the home for the elderly....

By the way, the picture above is of some of the original "Soul Trainers". Come to think of it, those dudes look as zesty as that story idea sounds...

Did anyone else see "88 Minutes"? I could not figure out for the life of me why Al Pacino never seemed pressed even once that he had like an hour and a half to live. Not once. Didn't even break a sweat. I love thrillers, but save this one for Showtime, straight up.

And finally, thanks to Villager for bestowing on me the "E For Excellence Award" for my blog. It is wonderful to be recognized amongst your peers, and with the work he does over at Electronic Village ....it makes me proud that he took the time to recognize me and mine. Check him out when you have a chance---he always has very important and relevant information about our folkses and our community. He is building something over there that we can all be proud of.