The Denzel Principle...

The Book of Eli opens this weekend...and Denzel Washington plays yet another rigid character who expresses his emotions through his hatwear, eyewear and stubble. That's been a recurring theme throughout the Oscar winner's career, as evidenced by this handy diagram (click pic to get a better view):




thanks sergio!

I Heart Bokeem Woodbine....

Yes, I never, ever, ever thought I would actually have that phrase in my life in any capacity, but after reading his Twitter page, and LMMFAO for about 20 minutes, he just may have to replace Terrence Howard as the beloved to warm the cockles of Ms. Invisible's semi-cold heart.

Perusing his love for such fine cuisine as steak-um burgers, White Castle, spam and eggs, hot dogs and eggs, fried eggs and Carolina sausage, and hot dogs and cheese whiz, I came upon gems like this (sorry so low-tech can't do screenshots):

I just ate a mayo sandwich and kool-aid water. We dont have no sugar n shit. I took a Now and Later and put it in the bottom of the glass12:18 PM May 21st from web

From IW: Love it! He is real with his, and I am now, and forever will be, a stan. Check these others out--I almost choked on my Chardonnay....

I was at Jimbos last night and I seen Tommy Davison tweekin out. Being loud and sweating all nasty. He was rubbing his nipple and shit8:48 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

I scowled at that fool and he yelled at me in his Sammy Davis voice. Lay off the drugs. Tell Rosie Perez that shit too. She a bag lady on8:49 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

41st. She be out there holding doors askin for change. I told her ass to get a job. No one wants to hear her talk though she sound like8:50 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

An episode of the nanny dubbed over with that SAP telemundo shit. Ondelay your ass to an agent and do some work. No I can't spare change8:52 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

and this:

Just for jokes I called Jada P and asked to be on Hawthorne. She hung up on me. That's why her shit is tanking. I could save that shit.8:54 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

Call me cap'n save a show. No one wants to see her in that bad hair track and her 90 degree angle chin "acting". I got skills dammit8:55 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

and this:

Man screw Chris Brown and his nations of Islam bean pie ass bowtie. He's not a real man. You're told from jump not to hit girls. You knew11:27 AM Sep 3rd from Twitterrific

and this:

I cant stand these damn skinny jeans guys are wearing today. I dont need to see your ball sac in 3D nigga! 1 cat had on pants so tight2:34 PM May 13th from web

I think i saw the hair on his balls as well. That's some nasty shit. Making me feel all unsure about myself because I couldnt take my eyes2:35 PM May 13th from web

Off of that shit. He gonna ask me for an autograph next. I gave that mothafucka the scowl of death. I been working on that shit like2:36 PM May 13th from web

Zoolander. He backed the hell up off me, him and his balls. I think i could actually see the sperms swimming around and shit.2:36 PM May 13th from web

and this:

I'm finna call up Allen Payne and see if he wanna use some of that house of Payne money to take a nigga to Tavern on the Green.12:42 PM May 21st from web

and finally this:

I just searched my name on here and I/m mad as hell. Scowling so hard my lips hurting and shit. People got nerve.7:34 PM Aug 14th from web

From IW: No hate here 'Keem. It's all love from now on...check my new man out at @KeemWood :-)

Urkel, Is That You?

This is a repost of a piece I did 2 years ago on crazy critic Armond White. I reposted it so you can get a bit more of a feel of what I'm talking about on the post above...

I thought that Armond White was a bit rough on "Talk To Me" and Kasi Lemmons....sure, it wasn't the greatest film, but it was no "Soul Plane" either. (I posted his review yesterday).

So I did a bit of snoopin' around on dude, and found some interesting tidbits. Even though they kinda speak for themselves, I will give up a bit of commentary:

-He is known for his support of Steven Spielberg, Brian DePalma, D.W. Griffith (?!!), and Charles Stone III (who directed the classics "Mr. 3000", "Drumline", and "Paid In Full") *1

-He started at the New York Black weekly newspaper "The City Sun" extolling the virtues of Morrisey, The Pet Shop Boys, and Erasure. *2

-Goes on about people like Spike Lee "sullying the Black Experience". *3

-Gave high praises to the films "Torque", "Little Man" (?), "Sahara", and "Against The Ropes" *4

-Had the audacity to write a book about Tupac. *5

*1 He gives big love to the richest man in Hollywood, a misogynist director who has never featured anyone black in his films, the director who made "Birth of a Nation", the most racist film in history, and some bootleg director to show he is "down"? Dude seriously knows what side his bread is buttered on.

*2 That's like your grandmother buying Jet magazine to find out about all the latest going-ons of Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Simpson.

*3 Huh?

*4 No comment necessary

*5 Do we really want someone who was writing reviews before I was born and who emulated Pauline Kael to write a book about the effects of Tupac on the world?

He reminds me of another mainstream "expert" who also had his origins in the non-black world decades ago, whose "expertise" is also questionable, but not his ability to generate controversy. "Stylist" Andre Leon Talley:

F*ckery All Around Me...

I know my posting has been spotty. The truth is, I've finished a transition back to the Bay Area to be closer to my parents, and I miss L.A. terribly...I will probably have to have residences in both places to keep everyone happy, the main person being me.

The weather has been atrocious in the Bay; cold, rainy, windy--the kind of weather that puts me in a deep, grouchy funk, as I am very, very much a sunshine person. I think my blogging has been affected as well...but fear not--I have come out of my cave for a moment to comment on some of the f*ckery that keeps slapping me in the face, haha.


How can I not say anything about the severe and unmitigated f*ckery that is Samuel Jackson? After being the super-overexposed version of Beyonce in the movie biz, he seems to want to dare us to hate him. He has signed on to do 9, yes nine, yes IX more pictures as the character Nick Fury. Is there anyone in life we want to see that much? I would saw off someone's foot to get close to Dwayne The Rock Johnson, but even I wouldn't want to see him in nine freaking pictures playing the same character. Just boo!


Also on my grouch radar is Tyler Perry. I said to myself that I wasn't going to dedicate anymore space to his projects except for straight reportage, but gawtdayum, a movie version of "I Can Do Bad All By Myself"? What next--Stepin Fetchit on Parade? I mean, that play was all sorts of funny, but it puts the chitlin', fatback, and hog maws in chitlin' circuit.


Speaking of chitlins, for some crazy Black History f*ckery, check out Thembi's post on white (and Black) America's tributes to our so-called history and tastes. True WTF?!? shenanigans if you ever saw it!


I kept silent about Slickback's stupid statement about the Chris Brown/Rihanna debacle (my advice still stands to only speak through a publicist, Terrence), and it is even more stupid as he was arrested for the exact same thing a few years back.

But what is this that Chris Brown was to star with Fantasia as Harpo in the Washington D.C. stage play version of "The Color Purple" (which he has been dropped from)? Remember this line? "You told Harpo to beat me!" Ummmm...ironeeeee....


Just setting my grouch/disgust factor off the charts is Marlon Jackson's complete lunacy about building a slavery theme park, complete with golf courses, spas, etc., coupled with a Jackson family museum. How much do we really know about Marlon? I mean he has never really said much before....how do we know he might not have some mild form of autism or something like that? All signs point to it with an idea so stupid I can dedicate 3 posts to it.


And finally, just the type of f*ckery that wears one to the bone--why, Whoopi, why?


Not that her wardrobe of choice should be any surprise. Let's take a look at some of her other Oscars dress choices, yes?





Clearly this woman has never been introduced to, or been within a 50 mile radius of a stylist, ever.


Okay, rants over. Just to balance out my mid-winter crotchetiness is some good news. I will be starting a sort of West Coast version of Reelblack, showing screenings of yet to be released independant and rarely seen throwback films, along with talks with actors, directors, etc. this summer called "Black Cinema At Large". Those of you in the Bay are very welcome to hang with yours truly. Each event will be posted on this blog so stay tuned, and stay blessed :-)

Hello All....

Sorry I haven't posted in a minute, but Mama's been taking care of some serious bidness the past 2 weeks. I want to say thank you to the new folks that are following my blog...I have found some very interesting reads through the blogs that you have. Kudos!

I will do a few more posts before we wrap up this crazy, amazing year. But today I want to leave you with 2 videos, both that highly peaked my interest. The first I was gonna do independently as a "Terrence Watch!" until I found the second vid. Thank you reader Harlepolis for sending this to me....it is of Jamie Foxx on Big Boy's radio show talking about his experiences with my beloved, Terrence Howard. He absolutely destroys it as he imitates Howard and his special way of talking, and speaks on Terrence's ummmm..."unique" personality. Funny as hayall!




This second one I saw while reading "On The Black Hand Side". It is of Etta James and Chuck Berry absolutely, positively KILLING it on some awards show. They show everyone, from youngest new jacks to the oldest heads, who the true royalty really is. Etta's talent is so huge, Bey can only dream at night of coming close...and Chuck is evidently quite the hype man.

You can see this reunion brought them back to the memories of their early days together...LMAO at Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones coming in on the end as if he were on the same level and caliber (or even deserved to be in the same room) as James and Berry.

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Chuck Berry & Etta James
Uploaded by Roselyne14

If you are not able to view the above video, click here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4naj_chuck-berry-etta-james_music

Hello There...

Hey y'all. I know my posting has been beyond wack, and I apologize. My counterpart at work is in Europe, and I have been buried. I planned on catching up over this past holiday weekend, but since I was visiting San Francisco, and the Invisible Poppy and the Invisible Friends are cocktail lovers and classic sh*t talkers like yours truly, I didn't get very far.

I want to say thank you so very, very much for leaving your comments, tho I haven't been able to respond to them. I love, love, love getting your feedback---I cannot stress that enough. Please be patient with me; I should be back to normal starting next week.

There's so much news that I want to write about for you guys--I am even dreaming about Black Cinema and it's offshoots. Last night I had a dream that I bummed a ciggie from Forest Whitaker, which is so very wrong for 2 reasons: 1) I would never bum a cig in public and 2) I would never, ever, have the nerve to get that close to Forest's face! haha!

Terrence Watch! Number Sixteen

'Man, the more I hear myself talking, the more I think I might be certifiable.'

-Terrence Howard*

From IW: Ya think?

*thanks nic for the info; to read more from this "certified" interview, click HERE

Hollywood's 6 Favorite Offensive Stereotypes...

Hello all. Just to make you aware, there will be some very minor changes around here while your girl goes mobile and international...fabulosity always requires change, haha. You'll see what I'm talking about in a minute, but until then, here is something I saw today via cooleyhigh's site, from Cracked. It's a bit long, but true, and funny (at least I thought so):

People think of Hollywood as the most liberal place in the known universe, but really that only goes as far as the drugs and orgies are concerned. When it comes to minorities, Hollywood still seems to have a few shamefully corny and simplistic roles in mind. Here's the six Hollywood stereotypes that can't die soon enough:

#6.
The Magic Negro

As Seen in:
The Green Mile, The Legend of Bagger Vance, The Shawshank Redemption, Bruce Almighty, Song of the South

The Magic Negro is a simple, humble person. Perhaps he is a janitor, or a farmer, and he doesn't know anything about those fancy colleges or them modern sciences, but what he knows, he knows from the heart, and that makes it truer than any of your whitey statistics, facts or pie charts.

He can have actual magical powers (Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile) or simply possess an extraordinary level of earthly wisdom (Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption).

In all cases, the Magic Negro has zero ambitions of his own. His entire existence revolves around the lead white character, whom they help with their simple, rustic wisdom even if it costs them their lives. It's as if they have nothing better to do, which they don't, because the plot is about the white guy achieving his goals.

What's So Bad About That?

Notice that the Magical Negro's powers are not in any way due to his own work or training at all. He's no Batman. And why do they have to be prisoners or janitors again?

Also, notice that they're still acting as the servant here. They only exist in the story to help the lead white character. That's right, black youth of America: even if you discover you have powers that transcend time and space, you'll still wind up serving the white man. Hell, Morgan Freeman's God in Bruce Almighty basically alters the whole fucking universe, just so Jim Carrey can get his priorities straight.

#5.
The Gay/Effeminate Psychopath

As Seen in:
Silence of the Lambs, Stargate, Dune, 3:10 To Yuma, The Powerpuff Girls, Braveheart, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Rob Roy, The Lion King, countless anime.

The Flaming Homo Bad Guy only has one goal in life, to be gayer and more evil than anybody else. If he sees a guy in a salmon-colored shirt and white khakis clubbing a baby seal, the Flaming Homo Bad Guy will put on a pink tutu, gather up some baby seals, kittens and puppies and rent a wood chipper.

He may actually be overtly homosexual (Braveheart) or he may just carry out his evil with a series of effeminate gestures and phrases and show a creepy, semi-erotic fascination with the male hero.

What's So Bad About That?

You may be asking why we included this instead of the "Bad Guy With Foreign Accent" seen in countless action movies--the Die Hard films, just for starters.

The difference there is at least there's usually some sort of reason in the plot why the foreign bad guy is foreign. The movie Red Dawn may have been propaganda, but the bad guys were Russian because it was about a war with Russia, not because Russians are inherently dicks.

The effeminate bad guy, on the other hand, plays right to the insecurities of the young, male audience those movies are aimed at, taking everything they find disgusting about homosexuality and using it to ratchet up the horror.

"Look! A serial killer!"
"Meh."
"And he's dancing around naked in a room full of body parts!"
"That's pretty gross, I guess."
"And he's stuffed his junk between his thighs so he looks like a woman!"
"OH JESUS GET OUT OF MY WAY I'M GOING TO BE SICK."

#4.
The Latina Maid

As Seen in:
Goonies, Maid in Manhattan, Spanglish, Crash, Mad Money, Down and Out in Beverly Hills.

The Latina Maid's role before was usually played by compact Hispanic women between 30 and 60 years old, but now may be played by J.Lo. The entire role has them in the background of the film running around with a vacuum cleaner, or waving a duster around at some vases removing their dust and your dignity at the same time.

But don't worry! The Latina Maid will usually have her time to shine and use her special secret move in the middle of the movie, when she runs into one of the important lead characters doing something "wacky" like cross-dressing, parading in a Hitler costume, or spreading peanut butter on his genitals in front of the family dog.

At this point the Latina maid will do the sign of the cross at lighting speed multiple times and scream "AY, EL DIABLO!" before running away and screaming hysterically, never to be seen in the foreground again.

If you want details you can always ask actress Lupe Ontiveros ...

... Who has been cast as a maid between 150 to 300 times.

What's So Bad About That?

Back in the '50s, Hollywood assumed that by 2000 the American cities would be utopias served by an army of robot servants. So we shouldn't exactly be bursting with pride over the fact that here in the future we've replaced "robots" with "grossly underpaid immigrants."

But why does "Latina Maid" make the list whereas, say, the "Sexy Latino Gardener Who Bangs the Lady of the House" doesn't? The problem is Hollywood has progressed from using the Latina maid as a prop to give those wacky, exaggerated foreigner reactions (i.e., the ending of Goonies) to the more modern, enlightened version where the maid is young and saucy and is the object of lust for the Caucasian male of the house (Maid in Manhattan, Spanglish).

Great job, Hollywood! You've elevated the Latina maid all the way up into "French maid" territory. Can the sexy "Latina maid" Halloween costumes be far behind?

Progress!

#3.
The Mighty Non-Whitey

As Seen in:

The Black Knight, Bringing Down the House, Trading Places, Hairspray, Money Talks, Head of State, Bullworth, Houseguest, Big Momma's House 2.

This is a kind of flip-side to a genre of movie you've seen a hundred times. In those films, the white, American male has to live with a non-white or non-American (or both) culture for some reason. At first, white American doesn't like the other culture, but slowly starts adopting it.

At the end of the movie, the white American saves the day with his whitey know-how and is considered a really awesome member of his new community (see The Last Samurai, Dances With Wolves, City of Joy, etc).

The "Mighty Non-Whitey" takes that idea and turns it around, where the jive-talking black guy winds up in some white-dominated situation and turns their world upside down (see Head of State, where a black man runs for president! Ha!)

What's So Bad About That?

You'll notice that in the white version of this tale, the white man adopts to the other culture and then excels (will not Dances With Wolves' Kevin Costner be remembered as the greatest Sioux of them all?). But with a black actor in the role, suddenly he's the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, a fish out of water, saving the day with dancing, rapping and taking things easy.

At best, the hero is a fast-talking con artist, who's constantly putting one over on the trusting, stuffy whites (Beverly Hills Cop). Usually the tension between cultures is resolved once and for all when the stuffy white man adopts one of his ghetto catchphrases, or, even better, raps a little.

#2.
The Wise, Old, Asian Asshole

As Seen in:

Big Trouble in Little China, Heroes, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Kill Bill, Norbit, any kung fu movie with a training sequence, any movie with a scene inside a dry cleaning shop.

The mean, old, Asian asshole is usually played by old Asians or British actors pretending they are old Asians (more common back in the day when Asians were too Asian to appear in movies, even as Asians).

As its name can attest, the character is mean, old and a gigantic asshole. His entire purpose in life is to hurt and humiliate any person that wanders into his asshole-radius--or, as the scientists call it, the fuckusphere,--with a litany of insults, snappy comebacks or plain kicks and punches delivered with a heavy, vaguely Asian accent and the usual jumbled grammar.

The catch with this one is that often the Asian asshole turns out to be right in the end. Mr. Miyagi goes out of his way to make the Karate Kid's life hell, teaching his skills in the most annoying way possible all while arbitrarily withholding information that would have made the process easier for everyone. But, in the end, he makes the Karate Kid good at karate, which saves him from living a life with an embarrassingly mismatched nickname.

Even a show like Heroes, with its groundbreaking Japanese lead in Hiro, still introduces the stereotypical Old Asian Asshole in Hiro's father. And in the end, wouldn't you know it, it turns out he was right all along! He just felt the need to be a dick about it.

What's So Bad About That?

This one seems to simultaneously play off both our lingering post-World War II nervousness over Japan, and the sense of inferiority Americans have felt since the '80s when we started to realize how much better their cars, TV's and stereos were than ours.

So somehow we wind up with a character who is superior, and who possesses all of the secrets and techniques the white main character needs to succeed, but who for no reason at all will only share them after forcing him to penetrate 13 layers of pure asshole.

#1.
The Cowardly/Incompetent Black Sidekick

As Seen in:
The Fifth Element, Dungeons & Dragons, Die Hard, Superman III, and a lot of movies with Eddie Murphy and Chris Tucker.

A black cop and a white cop teaming up to defeat terrorist drug dealers/baby snuff porn peddlers is a beautiful and totally normal thing. Ebony, ivory, fighting crime together in harmony!

The problem comes when some higher up sees Lethal Weapon, starts messing with the formula and decides that one half of the team should be "funny." Now, there is nothing wrong with being funny, but then what's funnier than a bumbling, incompetent, annoying, cowardly person fighting crime with a serious, hard-as-nails action hero?

Now make a wild guess and tell us which half of the team is the one getting saddled with the non-heroic role?

What's So Bad About That?

If we have to explain why it's bad that the black guy is always the dumb one and the white guy is the invincible action-god, then we probably don't have enough room here to bring you up to speed.

What is interesting is the Bad Boys franchise, where Martin Lawrence plays the cowardly/incompetent black sidekick, but to a partner who is also black, but just in a more acceptable way. Does that still count? If not, why?

We'll leave that to you to figure out. Write a paper on the subject and turn it in by Thursday.